Showing posts with label Cameron Diaz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cameron Diaz. Show all posts

Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Carpet Runs Red At The Oscars...

DAHLINGS,

It’s Oscar night, and no Vanity Fair party! Not only that, your faithful correspondent is simply wrung out from the stress of working on my soon-to-be-opening extravaganza, “Diary of A Mad Fashionista,” which opens this Wednesday.

No matter. It is my duty to report on the good, bad and the ugly on the red carpet, and then to bed. Perhaps not the exhaustive reportage my readers have come to expect from yours truly, but the mere fact that I am dictating this is a feat in itself. The blog comes first!

First, I have to say, that beautiful Jennifer Hudson should have let my dear friend Andre Leon Talley dress her this year. And for me to say THAT is significant. She is in an dazzlingly unflattering Grecian white dress with an Empire waist (why do busty women think they will look better in Empire waists?), and a shapeless bust. I do hope that dear Jennifer is not channeling Aretha Franklin nowadays!



Second, on the other end of the weight scale, Calista Flockhart was also in a Grecian draped dress (did Rami from “Project Runway” dress the invitees?) in a sickly shade of blue green, the better to look truly anorexic. Her better two-thirds, Harrison Ford, has taken to wearing a gray page boy, perhaps in homage to the Best Supporting Actor, Javier Bardem.

Another trend on the red carpet was “bed-head.” Cameron Diaz wore a scruffy ponytail (it matched the wrinkles in her gown), and Colin Farrell’s hair hung down in an uncombed mess.

Helen Mirren looked…very good. This appearance was a tad disappointing from an actress who always looks spectacular.



(Personally, I think it was the lace sleeves on her red gown. It looked like she’d thrown on an old English cardigan, even if they are crystals.)

Meanwhile, Kristin Chenoweth must have had not time to shop and ran straight to the nearest Frederick's of Hollywood.



More later…I simply must hie me to bed.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Sunday, February 25, 2007

It's Oscar Night, Dear God In Heaven...

(Note...this is being transcribed by me, Elisa's assistant, from notes she is messaging over, so please forgive any discontinuity. She is going to a variety of parties in Manhattan tonight, but I have to stay here and work...I hate my life...)

DAHLINGS -

I am on my way to the first of MANY fabulous parties in Manhattan, and my limo has a computer in the back, so I have it turned to the TV Guide channel for the moment...

My GOD, what has happened to Joan Rivers? She looks like the Bride of Wildenstein! Please, somebody chloroform the woman! Didn't she once have a face? And that fur shrug...what sort of rasberry polyester animal was killed for that? Must change channel...must...

Ah, Ryan Seacrest, the hardest working drone in show business. There's Cameron Diaz, in a dress made entirely of paper dinner napkins. From the neck up, she looks like Burt Lancaster playing an Native American in an old Western...those light eyes and that strange tan and that hair...poor dear can never get it right...



ACCCCK!!! PATRICIA FIELD!!!! NOOOOOO!

This CANNOT be the woman who designed those glorious costumes for "The Devil Wears Prada"! Not this ancient Rita Hayworth wanna-be with dyed purple red hair, too-tight strapless red spangled dress, and those baggy old arms and neck! I am all for aging gracefully, but two words...matching wrap! Also, do not stand next to two stunning young actresses when being interviewed. She should have made sure to stand next to Forrest Whittaker. I love Emily Blunt's sparkling blue strapless gown. Young women today have no idea how to wear strapless gowns, or for that matter, how they should be fitted. The usual trend is for the dress to cut straight across the top, too tightly, so that what little flesh they have above the breasts bulges out when they walk. What would Rita have said?

No one notices Sascha Baron Cohen's fiancee, but let me inform you that she is wearing a green satin dress that way a strapless dress is MEANT to be worn! Heart-shaped front, lots of decolletage, and firm upper support. Now I know why I loved "Borat."



Oh my GOD...Nicole, what are you THINKING? I've always thought redheads look good in red, but that pale coloring, black mascara, blonde straightened hair, do not work with that hideous dress. She looks like a tube of red lipstick with a goiter!

George Clooney...sigh...need one say more? He makes me want to fly out to Los Angeles this minute and smother him in my properly fitted bosom. I am wearing that spectacular Oscar de la Renta you saw in my earlier blog, my mahogany mink and high-heeled matching fabric pumps, the same as the dress. Because of the unfortunate size of my feet (the only thing about myself I regret) they had to be custom made, but what's money, if not to be spent?

Penelope Cruz may have a face like a foot, but her Atelier Versace blush pink gown is simply smashing. Now, if only they could transplant her head... I'm firmly in the minority on this one, but I like Kelly Preston's leopard print gown. As least someone isn't killing themselves to look piss-elegant, as the saying goes. Pardon my language. Besides, she's married to that human cream bun John Travolta, so she should get her kicks where she can.

I'm at my first stop...to be continued...

(tape clicks off)
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