Project Runway Returns, And Heidi Is Bitcher Than Ever

DAHLINGS –

Last night’s premiere of Project Runway, now in its ninth season, demonstrated that the show keeps becoming more sadistic than the season before. The opening featured 20 designers auditioning for the Fab Four: Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and her hair extensions, Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn. Seeing them in the daylight was slightly bizarre. In an industrial setting, each designer, quivering with terror, showed their garments to the panel. One poor designer’s creation caused Tim to cry out, “I AM HORRIFIED!” Who are you, and where's Tim??

Before we had a chance to find out their names, 4 unlucky contestants got the boot, with only a few seconds of embarrassing footage to show the folks at home. It was difficult to see the logic of the judges’ picks. To be perfectly honest, they were all terrible. This season, within the opening moments, Heidi attained a level of bitchiness she could only dream about in, say, Season 6. Perhaps the plastic surgeon tightened her vagina a bit too tightly after her 25th child was born.

When it came to the eliminations, your faithful correspondent knew that Testicular Cancer Guy, Black Guy and Old Guy* would not be let go. *Old Guy is 57-year-old Bert Keeter. I fell in love with him as soon as he came onscreen. And not because he bears an eerie resemblance to Martin Sheen.

One hoped Laura Kathleen, a self-described blonde Barbie with a screeching voice, would be eliminated, but no. One prays she gets auf’d soon so that we don’t have to listen to her each week.

The remaining 16 celebrated and fell into bed. Only to be rudely awakened at 5 AM (how can Tim manage to look so impeccable at that hour? Does he sleep in a hyperbaric chamber?) for the toughest first challenge one's seen on this show since we started watching. It was called “Come As You Are.” Each designer was brought to the work room in what they were wearing in bed, given a bedsheet, and told to create “a look” from those materials. There was the by-now standard gasp of horror from the designers. They were given hospital scrubs to spare the viewers the sight of their naked bodies. And, presumably, a great deal of caffeine.

Designer Julie Tierney looked at her garish patterned pink pajama bottoms and talked about “my vision.” Dahlings, my vision would have been blurred. Bert Keeter was using his checked boxers (how can you not love a man who wears checked boxers?). The best part was watching Tim tear into Rafael (an insufferable man) for making a boring outfit and refusing to use the colorful headscarf he was wearing. And this was the edited version. Tim walked away, saying that one had to use tough love at times. It was more like Tim cut a bitch, but whatever. Rafael earned it.

Laura asked about two other competitors, "Are they speaking foreign?" Enough about the personalities, on to the Runway!

Let me begin by saying that almost everything on the runway was so rampantly ugly one was fairly certain the judges and I would be in complete disagreement. Heidi and Michael wore their usual inscrutable expressions, Nina Garcia her usual non-expression (and a disinterested “hi” to the designers). The guest judge was Christina Ricci! I was delighted to see her, even though she seemed out of her element. And some in my viewing party thought her dress far too casual for the occasion. Heidi wore a beautiful green dress, one of the best runway show looks we’ve seen.

For the hell of it, I've introduced an arbitrary grading system. My blog-thing, my rules, dahlings.

1. Anthony Ryan – the gray and black lace trimmed top wasn’t so bad, but the enormous pubic patch on both sides of the skirt…there are no words. All right, perhaps bleeeccch. D
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. Anya – the focus had been on her much of the episode, because of her pronounced lack of experience and confidence. Which meant she wouldn’t get auf’d. A pity, because her gray silk pants were abominable, with a pronounced bulge in front that would have made Milton Berle proud (look it up). C
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. Becky - a little aqua dress that was really quite sweet. B-
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. BERT! Yes, I am hopelessly biased. I love love loved his gray draped dress with one bodice panel and strap made from his checked boxers! (On another note, I hope he washed them first.) A
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. Bryce – an off-kilter long-sleeved dress. C+
   
   
   
   
   
   
6. Cecilia – cute outfit with a coral bubble skirt B
   
   
   
   
   
   
7. Danielle – From nightwear to loungewear, with linebacker shoulders to boot C-
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. Fallene – How can one not like a dress that features a clown vomiting rainbows? B
   
   
   
   
   
   
9. Joshua 1, henceforth known as Crying Joshua – UGLY UGLY UGLY ill-fitting shorts, top and something that is supposed to be a bolero hoodie but fails miserably. F
   
   
   
   
   
   
10. Joshua 2 – my notes for this creation read “AGfly”. Not sure if that was a strangled scream or bad penmanship D
    
    
    
    
    
    
11. Julie – Uh-oh. Her “vision” needs glasses. Garish jammies slash across the bodice with yellow above and badly made gray pants below. D
    
    
    
    
12. Kimberly – Yes, that is a bedsheet, all right. A billowy draped bedsheet around the collar. Reminds me of childhood sleepovers. C-
    
    
13. Laura – DAMMIT! Decent flowing pants and top. B-
    
    
    
    
14. Olivier – Ill-fitting gray top and skirt. What is it with these designers and gray? C
    
    
    
    
    
15. Rafael – Oh.My.God. What’s wrong with this outfit? What’s right with this outfit? Gray leotard leggings with an ugly seam in the front, white trapeze top flaring open at the belly, and the scarf—the scarf—used as a clumsy neck trimming. F
    
    
    
16. Viktor – A sweet sporty white dress with black inserts, well-made.B+
    

Michael Kors was determined to bring the bon mots. He called Rafael's scarf a "Flintstones bib." Not sure what that means, but it's a good soundbite. Ms. Ricci struggled to find some good in each outfit, or at least hurt the designer's feelings. Michael Kors ripped whiny Crying Joshua a new one, who tried to throw his model under the bus. "There were fit issues." Tell me about it.
Heidi ADORED Bert's dress, which made me love her...until I have to go back to hating her again.


Best Three: Bert, Anthony Ryan (!), Anya (?)
Worst Three: Crying Joshua, Julie, Rafael

I simply could not believe it. The judges loved Anya's abominable pants, when the norm is if pants aren't perfection, the contestant gets auf'd almost before they get to the Final Six.

BERT WON THE CHALLENGE!

My guests jumped up and down, screamed, sprayed champagne (they’re paying the carpet cleaning bill) and there was merriment all ‘round. Laura K was NOT happy about Bert’s win.

I prayed that Crying Joshua would be auf’d, not Rafael. For one thing, Rafael’s hair would be fun to look at week to week. With Project Runway, these things matter. But Rafael was auf’d, while Crying Joshua wept his way into the waiting room.

Favorite line of the evening: “I haven’t gotten this pissed since I had cancer.” Interesting priorities.

That's it for this week's episode, dahlings. I look forward to seeing you all on Twitter.

Ciao,
Elisa

Project Runway on Steroids: The Fashion Show

DAHLINGS -

Now that Bravo has lost "Project Runway," they have seen fit to create, as they say in the fashion business, a knock-off. "The Fashion Show." Oh yes, the trim is different, perhaps the skirt is shorter and the material is definitely cheaper. But the echoes are there, and not to the show's advantage.

It is not meant to be "Project Runway"--there is no Tim Gunn mentoring the designers, the fashions are displayed at the end before a live audience--but of course the spirit of its predecessor hovers over the program. Fifteen designers compete to become the Final Four, with an elimination each week.

By far the best part of the show, IMO, was the runway show. The set is well-designed, and the excitement of a live audience makes it feel almost like we are watching a real fashion show. However, the lack of time spent in the workroom was a problem. Your faithful correspondent watches "Project Runway" to see the designers design, create and execute the challenges, but there was so much hugger-mugger on this show that the workroom barely had a cameo appearance.

It seems that the producers are trying to up the annoyance quotient with the designers, making it easier to root for them to be eliminated: Merlin, winner of the first week's challenge, a squeaky gentleman from Honduras, managed to wear the most irritating headgear since Madonna's appearance at the Metropolitan Museum Costume Gala.

And if he's 38, I'm five feet tall.

Johnny R., who has a topknot and is prone to other annoying things on his head; and Kristin, who has simply settled for annoying hair.


Most of the other designers have yet to display much personality.


Isaac, Kelly, and Fern, oh my!

The two hosts are designer/unable to escape from media personality Isaac Mizrahi and singer Kelly Rowland. Where her fashion credibility lies escapes your faithful correspondent, but she hasn't had a hit single in some time and she's very photogenic. (I think that's about it, so far, unless she has an evil twin side that hasn't come out yet.) Isaac, who I have adored ever since he declared "fat is the new black" two years ago, is amazingly cruel in his comments to the young designers, and almost none of the show outside of the workroom seemed spontaneous. Honestly, I don't know why they bothered to show Isaac and Kelly interacting; it felt as stiff as high school theater. Fern Mallis, at least, is the senior vice president at IMG, which produces Fashion Week.

The challenge was to produce a "must-have" item and design a collection around it, the designers working in teams. But honestly, baggy purple satin harem pants as a "must-have" item?

The other choices were a black bolero jacket, and an extremely tight camel-colored wool tube skirt/dress/sprained ankle bandage.

One hoped that Kristin would get the boot both for that hideous Alice in Wonderland on acid dress and then one wouldn't have to look at her hair again. (She concealed the tube skirt under all of that fuss.)

But, instead, Jonny (without an R)was let go because of his "slutty," amazingly tight dress. He went in the opposite direction and showcased the skirt! When an emaciated model can't fit into something, you know that the designer has an experience problem.

To sum up, the show isn't good, it isn't bad, it's watchable, and like every other competition show on Bravo. At least it's something to watch now that "House" has had its season finale.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog