DAHLINGS -
This morning in my inbox was a request to publish the following statement, from two of the cast members of House,MD.
This is a cast member who has visited this blog-thing before, along with a close friend. I felt that it would be noblesse oblige to allow them to have their say. Particularly in light of the heated debate over the season 7 opener, "Now What?"
Again, let me step aside and use the blog-thing for altruistic purposes. (Faithful readers, be assured that this statement does not reflect the opinions of the blog owner or Blogger.com. My apologies for the language used in this statement. Your faithful correspondent abhors profanity, but censorship is not practiced in this blog-thing. Unless it's negative comments calling me a "fuck-tard." )
Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
############
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV. Part of one. We might have met before. I’m House’s damaged, always-in-agonizing-pain-until-the-script-monkeys-decided-I-wasn’t-last season LEG.
God DAMN, last season was a bitch, because eleven years ago I had a HUGE CHUNK OF MUSCLE, FAT, BLOOD VESSELS AND NERVES REMOVED! AND I HAD TO PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED!
House’s stupid bitch of a girlfriend Stacy (who has been conveniently forgotten in the Great Love Story That Is House and Cuddy) decided that cutting off a chunk of me was a good choice. FUCK YOU, STACY! AND FUCK YOU, CUDDY! HOW THE EVERLOVING HELL HAS HOUSE FORGIVEN YOU ENOUGH TO LET YOU KISS MY SCAR AND NOT KICK YOU INTO THE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK? OH WAIT, HE CAN’T, BECAUSE YOU DECIDED THAT A GIANT HUNK OF—
Excuse me. At the end of last season, you might recall, me and the rest of House’s 50-year-old body were dragged around a crushed building, which was bad enough! Then he goes home without a cane, and believe me, I am in PAIN. Screaming, agonizing PAIN! House finds his stash of Vicodin, and I’m like, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN, TAKE THE PILLS OR KILL ME, OKAY?”
And just as he’s about to take the pills and give me the sweet relief I crave, Cuddy shows up, and her magical boner love makes him throw away the pills! And takes away his pain. But it HASN’T! I’m screaming at him, “YOU KNOW PAIN BETTER THAN ANYBODY! JESUS CHRIST LAYING FLOOR TILES! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?”
Last night, on a "Very Special Episode of House", he PICKS HER UP and carries her into the bedroom. I know Cuddy only weighs 80 pounds, but WTF? I wanted to scream my head off but I was ordered, do what you’re told and you’re getting amputated—they can write that in now. Bastards.
And House’s whole goddamn BODY is nagging at me: “Everything hurts! We’re 50 years old and we’ve been dragged through a damaged building! Ow ow ow make him take the pills, leg! You’ve always made him do it in the past! Please!” And I have to respond “Sorry, guys, I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO EXIST ANYMORE!”
They want me to TAKE MYSELF OFF AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HOUSE! How am I supposed to do that????
House and Cuddy make mad, passionate love, and it hurts so much, oh man, it hurts, he keeps using my damaged muscles to roll around. And then he KNEELS ON THE FLOOR, and spends the whole rest of the day WITHOUT HIS CANE and goddamn, I’m out of my mind—if I had a mind, I mean, I’m only a leg—and they play Boggle and they keep having sex, if I had a head I’d beg God to skullfuck me to death.
You won’t be seeing much of me in Season 7, those assholes have decided I’m not important any more, until House and Cuddy break up, and watch for “psychosomatic” pain to return. BUT IT NEVER LEFT, DICKWADS!
Anyway. I promised this other body part he could have his say. So I’m going to shut up now. How I do that without lips, I don’t know. So here he is (He gets to have a gender, unlike me. Fuck me. Limb just can't get a break.):
Hello. I’m House’s dick. Pleased to meet you. Yes, I know, the leg keeps complaining about how much pain it’s in. What a toilet mouth. I may be a penis, but I like to think I’m more refined.
Here’s some dirty little secrets you’ve never been told—no, it’s not that I’m not large, I’m huge. But, let’s face it, House has been taking Vicodin for over a decade, and that pretty much trashes your libido. So I’ve been a little…slow on the uptake. Those hookers have had to work damn hard (pardon the pun). Plus, the dude is 50 years old. I’m supposed to slow down anyway, so the combo hasn’t been great for me.
The sections on Season Six where you thought he was watching porn and masturbating?
Uh-uh. He was watching reruns of “Clean House” on the Style Channel. He really digs Trish. The porn was just for appearances. It takes House so long to get off that he's practically got carpal tunnel syndrome.
Ooooh…Trish Suhr…she is one hot little babe…oh, boy, I wish I could get hard…the testicles have been really frustrated. They keep sending me notes, but what am I supposed to do? I’m just a penis. (And I’m not far away from that right leg; do you know what it’s like to live near someone who never stops bitching?)
Last night, they showed you House furtively calling his team in between bouts of making sweet, sweet love with Cuddy. She’s hot, I don’t care what the leg says.
What they didn’t show you was House taking Viagra like, every half hour. The man’s an addict, you think he’d only take one? Cuddy had to spend major time-age sucking me to get me to respond, because the rest of the body HURT SO MUCH, especially the back muscles and that damn right leg. I had to get the job done, you know? Fucking somebody’s brains out is damn near impossible under the circumstances I was in (pardon the pun).
A 50-year-old guy who hurts everywhere, who was emotionally devastated the night before, who has a LOT of hidden rage against Cuddy for not only the leg but also for gutting him like a fish the night before? I had to labor mightily to surmount (pardon the pun) all of that and do my fucking job. That’s not swearing, that is literally my job. Fucking.
I should belong to the Teamsters union, that’s how much heavy lifting I have to do. But I had to strap on a pair—oh, wait, I already have a pair.
Screw the warning labels, I wish I could get an erection that lasts over four hours. It would make my life so much easier.
Showing posts with label Clean House. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clean House. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The 62nd Emmy Awards Best Dressed!
DAHLINGS -
The Emmy Awards were endless on Sunday, weren't they?
And as an aside, DAMN YOU BRYAN CRANSTON! How can the voters keep picking him over Hugh Laurie? (Who, by the way, looked sensational in a midnight blue tux.)
It was hosted by Jimmy Fallon, seen here with a woman who is either quite pregnant or doesn't believe the 70s ever ended.
Kate Gosselin? KATE GOSSELIN? Seriously?
Yes, Kate Gosselin.
Although if you look through the red carpet photos, "television personality" has eclipsed "actress" these days. Speaking of tps, the first part of the night's coverage was done by Ryan Seacrest and Bobblehead Girl.
If her breasts are real, then mine are fake.
Onward to happier topics! Here are my picks for the Emmy's Best Dressed, in no particular order.
My favorite gown of the entire evening was January Jones in Atelier Versace. The dress is made of blue silk satin petals. Every time I saw this dress on screen, I smiled. And while watching an awards show, between the idiotic faux banter and the cloying bad taste, it is difficult to smile.
However, like almost everyone else at the Emmys, she looked like her hairdresser had taken the day off. Was there a hairdresser strike in Hollywood that we didn't hear about?
Mariska Hargitay, in a gorgeous blush pink Vera Wang "old Hollywood" gown which showcases her beautiful body and face.
And we mustn't speak of beautiful bodies without a mention of the much-Photoshopped Christina Hendricks in her lavender Zac Posen gown, cut to accentuate her curves and trimmed with ostrich feathers.
Susan Sarandon and her daughter, Eva Amurri (who recently guest-starred on the series "House") proved that opposites attract. Susan chose a phenomenal dress by Donna Karan. Of course, if you're Susan Sarandon, it is hard not to look phenomenal. Also opting for blush pink, Eva wore a vintage Thierry Mugler satin dress.
In a sea of safe looks, Carrie Preston stood out for all of the right reasons. Her custom-made print gown not only played up her coloring, the construction and cut were original, both front and back.
Another print gown, this one hand painted by Douglas Annette, stole the show as worn by Rutina Wesley of True Blood. (I was going to write "Work it, girlfriend!" but then I remembered myself.)
Speaking of risks, it does not matter to moi if everyone hates these dresses and hairdos. I was tickled to death by Mindy Kaling and Naya Rivera. It's a party, let the young people have some fun! Don't squash them into a dress fit for a 30-year-old, like Lea Michelle.
The cast of Glee were all over the place, which was deeply annoying to those of us who are not fans of the show. However, we forgive anything when it comes to the brilliant and beautiful Jane Lynch, who looked regal in this eggplant Ali Rahimi confection. She owned the red carpet, as they say.
Amy Poehler brought her husband, Will Arnett, and something never seen in Hollywood: an actual post-baby body!! Plastic surgeons make a fortune doing tummy tucks, breast lifts and, uh, vagina tightening after a star has a child (trust me on this one, I have excellent sources). Then, of course, the tabloids scream 'STAR SHEDS ALL BABY WEIGHT IN ONE WEEK' or some other lying nonsense. Not our Amy, and she looks splendid!
Another beautiful comedienne is Jane Krakowski, who wore this sensational blue confection:
Your faithful correspondent never thought she would have an embarrassment of riches in the Best Dressed category. Honestly, that never happens. But it seems there are.
So here some of the women who brought the old Hollywood glamour : Mary Hart, Julia Ormond, and Kirsten Lea. And Betty White, because she is literally old Hollywood.
And, in my final tally of the Best Dressed, I have to include Wanda Sykes, Sarah Hyland, Emily Deschanel, and Amber Riley. Phew!
The Emmy Awards were endless on Sunday, weren't they?
And as an aside, DAMN YOU BRYAN CRANSTON! How can the voters keep picking him over Hugh Laurie? (Who, by the way, looked sensational in a midnight blue tux.)
It was hosted by Jimmy Fallon, seen here with a woman who is either quite pregnant or doesn't believe the 70s ever ended.
Kate Gosselin? KATE GOSSELIN? Seriously?
Yes, Kate Gosselin.
Although if you look through the red carpet photos, "television personality" has eclipsed "actress" these days. Speaking of tps, the first part of the night's coverage was done by Ryan Seacrest and Bobblehead Girl.
If her breasts are real, then mine are fake.
Onward to happier topics! Here are my picks for the Emmy's Best Dressed, in no particular order.
My favorite gown of the entire evening was January Jones in Atelier Versace. The dress is made of blue silk satin petals. Every time I saw this dress on screen, I smiled. And while watching an awards show, between the idiotic faux banter and the cloying bad taste, it is difficult to smile.
However, like almost everyone else at the Emmys, she looked like her hairdresser had taken the day off. Was there a hairdresser strike in Hollywood that we didn't hear about?
Mariska Hargitay, in a gorgeous blush pink Vera Wang "old Hollywood" gown which showcases her beautiful body and face.
And we mustn't speak of beautiful bodies without a mention of the much-Photoshopped Christina Hendricks in her lavender Zac Posen gown, cut to accentuate her curves and trimmed with ostrich feathers.
Susan Sarandon and her daughter, Eva Amurri (who recently guest-starred on the series "House") proved that opposites attract. Susan chose a phenomenal dress by Donna Karan. Of course, if you're Susan Sarandon, it is hard not to look phenomenal. Also opting for blush pink, Eva wore a vintage Thierry Mugler satin dress.
In a sea of safe looks, Carrie Preston stood out for all of the right reasons. Her custom-made print gown not only played up her coloring, the construction and cut were original, both front and back.
Another print gown, this one hand painted by Douglas Annette, stole the show as worn by Rutina Wesley of True Blood. (I was going to write "Work it, girlfriend!" but then I remembered myself.)
Speaking of risks, it does not matter to moi if everyone hates these dresses and hairdos. I was tickled to death by Mindy Kaling and Naya Rivera. It's a party, let the young people have some fun! Don't squash them into a dress fit for a 30-year-old, like Lea Michelle.
The cast of Glee were all over the place, which was deeply annoying to those of us who are not fans of the show. However, we forgive anything when it comes to the brilliant and beautiful Jane Lynch, who looked regal in this eggplant Ali Rahimi confection. She owned the red carpet, as they say.
Amy Poehler brought her husband, Will Arnett, and something never seen in Hollywood: an actual post-baby body!! Plastic surgeons make a fortune doing tummy tucks, breast lifts and, uh, vagina tightening after a star has a child (trust me on this one, I have excellent sources). Then, of course, the tabloids scream 'STAR SHEDS ALL BABY WEIGHT IN ONE WEEK' or some other lying nonsense. Not our Amy, and she looks splendid!
Another beautiful comedienne is Jane Krakowski, who wore this sensational blue confection:
Your faithful correspondent never thought she would have an embarrassment of riches in the Best Dressed category. Honestly, that never happens. But it seems there are.
So here some of the women who brought the old Hollywood glamour : Mary Hart, Julia Ormond, and Kirsten Lea. And Betty White, because she is literally old Hollywood.
And, in my final tally of the Best Dressed, I have to include Wanda Sykes, Sarah Hyland, Emily Deschanel, and Amber Riley. Phew!
Feel free to comment on my choices, but bear in mind: I am always right.
Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog
Photos courtesy of WireImage and Getty Images
Thursday, January 7, 2010
People's Choice Awards: The Best Dressed
DAHLINGS -
Before I start my list, I must say how thrilled I am that at last night's The People's Choice Awards:
1) House MD won as Best Dramatic Television Show
2) Hugh Laurie won as People's Choice Dramatic Actor!
However, I cannot put the star on my Best Dressed list because of that tie. Showing that James Wilson has not yet cornered the market on ugly ties. It was also delightful to see him with his real hair, without a hairpiece or whatever it is they put on his head and less beard.
The program itself was hellish to sit through. Approximately three minutes of programming, then eight minutes of commercials, then several minutes of a "special advance preview" of either an awful movie or an awful television show. If one cannot make a project look good in two minutes, one is in trouble. That's all I can say. The nadir was a CVS commercial used as actual programming. I have blocked the details from my mind. Onto the important part: the dresses.
The list for this event is a bit more difficult than my usual. So many of the stars, no matter what their wattage, wore one-shouldered dresses. Most of them were draped, Grecian style, but there was no shortage of other variations.
I must begin my list with the Host of The People's Choice Awards, the divine Queen Latifah. Her black one-shouldered entrance gown, with its evocation of 1950s movie star glamor, was perfection, as were the chorus boys helping her maneuver down that ill-conceived ramp stage left.
Another dream dress was a white strapless Georges Chakra gown with metallic trim around the waistline:
Next, the only reality show host I enjoy who's not on Project Runway, Clean House's Niecy Nash, showed off her stunning figure in a hot pink Grecian dress ( I told you one-shouldered dresses were all over the place last night). One had to restrain oneself from writing "my homegirl" because one has a smidgen of propriety.)
Lisa Edelstein, also of House, always makes my Best-Dressed List. She simply cannot look other than ravishing, although this David Meister gown is not one of my absolute favorites. But Ms. Edelstein gets points for covering both shoulders.
Speaking of House...I must betray my own values, my deepest feelings, and almost everything I have written about her in this blog...but...
Olivia Wilde made my list. Apologies, dear readers, but AT LAST Ms. Wilde wore a Monique Lhuillier dress that was flattering, rather than one of those awful skin-tight gowns that showed her jagged hipbones. Again, like the Queen, a fluffy dress, evocative of the 1950s:
Taraji P. Henson, voluptuous as always, struts her wares in this lovely (albeit yet another one-shoulder Grecian style) Alberta Ferreti lilac gown:
Despite a near-wardrobe malfunction during her acceptance speech, Mariah Carey showed off her womanly shape in a white halter gown:
Finally, the sublime Mary J. Blige. Yes, she is in a one-shouldered draped Grecian dress, but the shorter length, shoulder embellishment, perfect fit and soft gray color make the look:
Feel free to comment upon my choices, but bear in mind, I am always right.
Worst Dressed coming up!
Ciao, Elisa & Bucky The Wonderdog
Before I start my list, I must say how thrilled I am that at last night's The People's Choice Awards:
1) House MD won as Best Dramatic Television Show
2) Hugh Laurie won as People's Choice Dramatic Actor!
However, I cannot put the star on my Best Dressed list because of that tie. Showing that James Wilson has not yet cornered the market on ugly ties. It was also delightful to see him with his real hair, without a hairpiece or whatever it is they put on his head and less beard.
The program itself was hellish to sit through. Approximately three minutes of programming, then eight minutes of commercials, then several minutes of a "special advance preview" of either an awful movie or an awful television show. If one cannot make a project look good in two minutes, one is in trouble. That's all I can say. The nadir was a CVS commercial used as actual programming. I have blocked the details from my mind. Onto the important part: the dresses.
The list for this event is a bit more difficult than my usual. So many of the stars, no matter what their wattage, wore one-shouldered dresses. Most of them were draped, Grecian style, but there was no shortage of other variations.
I must begin my list with the Host of The People's Choice Awards, the divine Queen Latifah. Her black one-shouldered entrance gown, with its evocation of 1950s movie star glamor, was perfection, as were the chorus boys helping her maneuver down that ill-conceived ramp stage left.
Another dream dress was a white strapless Georges Chakra gown with metallic trim around the waistline:
Next, the only reality show host I enjoy who's not on Project Runway, Clean House's Niecy Nash, showed off her stunning figure in a hot pink Grecian dress ( I told you one-shouldered dresses were all over the place last night). One had to restrain oneself from writing "my homegirl" because one has a smidgen of propriety.)
Lisa Edelstein, also of House, always makes my Best-Dressed List. She simply cannot look other than ravishing, although this David Meister gown is not one of my absolute favorites. But Ms. Edelstein gets points for covering both shoulders.
Speaking of House...I must betray my own values, my deepest feelings, and almost everything I have written about her in this blog...but...
Olivia Wilde made my list. Apologies, dear readers, but AT LAST Ms. Wilde wore a Monique Lhuillier dress that was flattering, rather than one of those awful skin-tight gowns that showed her jagged hipbones. Again, like the Queen, a fluffy dress, evocative of the 1950s:
Taraji P. Henson, voluptuous as always, struts her wares in this lovely (albeit yet another one-shoulder Grecian style) Alberta Ferreti lilac gown:
Despite a near-wardrobe malfunction during her acceptance speech, Mariah Carey showed off her womanly shape in a white halter gown:
Finally, the sublime Mary J. Blige. Yes, she is in a one-shouldered draped Grecian dress, but the shorter length, shoulder embellishment, perfect fit and soft gray color make the look:
Feel free to comment upon my choices, but bear in mind, I am always right.
Worst Dressed coming up!
Ciao, Elisa & Bucky The Wonderdog
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