The Obligatory Twitter Post (Special Guest Star: Jesus)

DAHLINGS -

In today's faster-than-fast world, emails have been replaced by Facebook messages have been replaced by Twitter. In which you have 140 characters to say your piece. Not 140 words, 140 characters.

There is actually a fine art to writing on Twitter, at least if it's something more interesting than "I made the most yummy beef stew!" One must craft even the most mundane of statements. Since my writing tends toward the, shall we say, ornate, this has been an onerous task. But challenges are my chocolate covered cherries! (In actuality, I despise chocolate covered cherries, but 'eclairs' doesn't have the same zip.)

So, in the spirit of what every else is doing these days, here is a selection of my tweets over the past two days!

********************************
Until they make tampons out of pure spun silk, menses and elegance do not mix.

So, Lindsay Lohan is fired from playing a porn star but is considered a good bet for "DWTS"? I'm not sure which job has less class.

The news that nude photos of Christina Aguilera have been leaked...am I somehow supposed to care? Aren't there enough of them already?

Wondering if I should do a #FF list of people who can't stand me? You know who you are, but you're not following me so you won't see it.

****************************************

(The following are the tale of my evening with Jesus, when my chef took the day off and I was forced to fend for myself. )

Good night, lovely Twitter-followers.At least the maid will make me coffee & bring me a croissant tomorrow morning.Pray for me. #chefsdayoff

With my chef taking the day off (the swine), I managed coffee, a croissant and peach preserves brought by the maid. #chefsdayoff

#chefsdayoff For lunch, delivery from Blue Hill. (Yes, if you pay enough) Chicken with Tuscan kale and homemade pasta. Tonight...?

#chefsdayoff BAD start to the evening. Jesus showed up, wanting a cheese sandwich. I told him to make us both BLTs if he wanted them

So Jesus has a hissy fit because he doesn't want a BLT, he wants grilled cheese made with Swiss cheese and I don't have any...

I tell Jesus to go to the store if he wants Swiss cheese so much, he says, "I don't have any POCKETS, you heathen!" Le sigh...

After sulking, he agreed to make grilled cheddar and tomato sandwiches. Jesus is a pretty decent diner-style cook. Unexpected.

The sandwiches were quite good. But Jesus had gotten into the cooking wine (he is NEVER getting the key to the wine cellar)...

So he's getting drunk on cooking sherry and starts arguing w me abt. my atheism. Jesus keeps yelling at God for a miracle,...

...but does God perform one? No, unless you consider Jesus chugging an entire bottle of cooking sherry w/o gagging a miracle.

Fortunately I had coffee ice cream in the freezer (Jesus LOVES coffee ice cream). Gave him a big dish and he gave me a...

...big goofy smile. There's something about Jesus drunk, especially when he's got the crown of thorns on--I must get a picture.

In any event, he's already dozing on the divan, and it's not even 8pm. At least if he expects breakfast my chef will be back!

Don't worry, I have never slept with Jesus, nor do I intend to.He's far too promiscuous. All those "Jesus loves me" songs, n'cest pas?

Good morning, lovely Twitter-followers! As predicted, Jesus was hungover & cranky this morning. Serves him right, chugging cooking sherry.

#AnnoyingJesus Thank God my chef is back, who served him coddled eggs and a Bloody Mary. Jesus has left my building. Thank goodness.

And there you have a selection of my tweets. Feel free to follow me on Twitter! I promise, Jesus rarely shows up. I really should contact my dear dead friend Lana Turner. It's been far too long.

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, DAHLINGS!

DAHLINGS -

I am writing from an undisclosed location in the Mediterranean, attending Thanksgiving with a number of fabulous and not-so-fabulous people. For which I am truly grateful, particularly because I am far better dressed than almost any of them.

While the various dishes (turkey, braised eel, loin of wildebeest, roasted boar--the boar was flown in and sacrificed during the cocktail hour--most entertaining) are being prepared, your faithful correspondent thought she would share a few celebrity tidbits. After all, most celebrities are sitting in high-end restaurants, while their publicists send out releases claiming "they are enjoying Thanksgiving with family and friends." As Lindsay Lohan call tell you, most celebrities have neither family nor friends.

Tidbit #1

Shakira Caine, Michael's wife, snorts when she laughs.

Tidbit #2

If you stand on a chair and look straight down at Elton John's head, his scalp is a most peculiar shade.

Tidbit #3

Real Housewives should not be invited to parties where hard liquor, or even food, is served. One well-known Housewife ate a hearty breakfast, then promptly threw it up in a lavishly tiled bathroom. Gold fixtures don't make it any less disgusting, particularly when you are the next person to use the facilities.

Tidbit #4

Ben Affleck is a flasher. But oh, what a flash.

Tidbit #5

Colin Farrell uses Just For Men. (Yes, I admit, I look in the bedroom wastebaskets. It's part of my job.)

Tidbit #6

Gwyneth Paltrow's favorite pre-bedtime ritual is a large glass of straight Jack Daniels and a single mini-eclair.

That's all for now. It's 7 pm here and I hear a martini calling my name.

Have a very happy Thanksgiving, my darling readers and Twitter-followers, and remember I love you all. As long as I don't have to touch you.

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Lindsay Lohan's New Ungaro Line A Flop--Surprise!

DAHLINGS -

To no one's surprise, Lindsay Lohan's new line for Ungaro has been called an "embarrassment." For the full WWD review, read here:

http://www.wwd.com/fashion-week/spring-ready-to-wear-2010/review/emanuel-ungaro-rtw-spring-2010-2328193?src=bblast/100409

That has made my day, personally.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Project Runway Season Six Premiere!

DAHLINGS –

I spent much of the past day trying to think of a title incorporating a pun on “meth.” Such as “Television’s Best Meth-ed” or “Making A Meth Of Things.” But one has one’s standards, and hence the title.

This refers to Johnny S., who spends much of the program (pardon the pun) proclaiming that he’s a recovering addict, having a meltdown because he’s a recovering addict, manning up to face the challenge because he’s a recovering addict, etc. It makes for some decent drama. In fact, he has a sweet scene with the ever-loveable Tim Gunn, who helps Johnny face his fears and man up. Who knew Tim was an abuse counselor as well as a fabulous man about town? What hat does this man not wear?

The new, shiny, postponed Season Six of Project Runway has everything the old Bravo Project Runway had going for it. And more sophisticated cinematography; obviously the Los Angeles influence. Sixteen designers are competing for the usual, you know the drill, mes chers amis.

The other Los Angeles influence seems to be a disproportionate amount of young, attractive designers. For instance, Carol Hannah Whitfield, a 24-year-old Southern blonde, who says “I'm not expected to have qualities like, uh, intelligence, or…lost my train of thought.” There is another vacuous blonde, Althea, and the obligatory young man with weird hair (and a deliberately misspelled name: Malvin). At first, Christopher Straub annoys with his stylistic quirk: large baseball hats worn at an angle, which give him the look of one of those “cute” little boys in 1950s sitcoms.

However, this is definitely the most multicultural mix since the series began. The tall gentleman with the dreads goes by the single name of Epperson.

From left: Malvin, Shirin, some guy, Carol Hannah, some other guy, Epperson, Mitchell with his mouth (thankfully) closed.

Ariel is the obligatory free spirit, who doesn’t sketch. This is how she creates (which is appropriate, because her dress looked like it had been pulled from her butt, pardon my non-french).

The designer who got on my nerves the most was Mitchell, who has huge yellow teeth. For some reason, whenever he was on camera all I could see were those dirty-butter colored Chiclets. Of course I immediately warmed to Qristyl, who described her style as not plus-size, but “plus sexy.” A woman after my own heart.

The challenge was to create a red-carpet look. As on the All-Star challenge, the same judges were in attendance: Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Heidi Klum. The guest judge was…Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan, who is even more D-List than most of the runway audience of The Fashion Show.

The real surprise was that she had intelligent comments about the designs. Who would have thought she was capable of forming complete sentences?

Johnny's design was terrible, and the comments it elicited all ran along the lines of: "If I imagine this as a completely different dress, it would be beautiful." Oh, well, at least he didn't get auf'd. He would have been on the street scoring in no time. The members of my viewing party thought that Malvin would get the boot, because he sent the model down the runway basically naked with a thin blanket of flesh-colored chiffon over her. But no; his hairdo evidently saved him.

The other surprise was that Ariel, who seemed goofy enough to keep around for a while, got auf'd for her truly horrendous design. Usually, goofiness trumps ability on Project Runway.
Christopher won for a fairly ordinary dress.

But I noticed that R'amon Lawrence's dress is the one they copied for sale. Somehow, that switcharound is also tres Los Angeles.

And the beat goes on.

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

LINDSAY LOHAN & NICOLE RICHIE NAKED

DAHLINGS -

Pardon the title, but I did want to make this blog-thing got some HITS! (And I do have a screed about Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn a few entries back, so I'm not really lying, just fibbing a bit.)

Mes cher amis, my SHOW OPENS TONIGHT!

"DeCarlo is a killer performer" The L Magazine
“This is one seriously funny writer.” VintageGrace.com
“Truly a cool blog!” Critiquemyblog.com
“A fabulously funny blog.” TheThreeTomatoes.com


LIVE! ON STAGE! THE POPULAR BLOG COMES TO LIFE!
Rival-blasting, servant-bashing, she will stop at nothing for the perfect Dior!


FRIGID new york presents an S & D Production
DIARY OF A MAD FASHIONISTA

A Couture Comedy Made For The Masses
Written by Elisa DeCarlo
Directed by Aaron Haber
Starring Elisa DeCarlo and Shannon Sutherland

"You CANNOT AFFORD to miss this show, dahlings!" -The Fashionista

WED 2/27 @ 9 PM
SUN 3/2 @ 8:30 PM
TUE 3/4 @ 9 PM
FRI 3/7 @ 10:30 PM
SAT 3/8 @ 10 PM

The Red Room
85 East 4th StreetNew York, NY 10003(Between 2nd and 3rd Ave.)

Tickets $12
For tickets, go to http://www.smarttix.com/ or call (212) 868-4444



Make certain you buy your tickets ASAP...it's a small theater and will be simply jampacked!

Ciao,Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The Sick & The Dead: Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe

Dahlings –

This morning I was confronted over my morning latte’ with the latest celebrity outrage. No, not the Miley Cyrus seat-belt flap.

It is Lindsay Lohan’s handlers' incomprehensible decision to have their client pose as Marilyn Monroe in an imitation of Monroe's last photo shoot with Bert Stern. (http://media.nymag.com/fashion/08/lindsay-as-marilyn/)

Stern himself, who apparently has not accomplished very much since the mid-1960s, saw a injection of career Viagra in this exploitation of the youthful hype whore. So he shot the new pictures himself. After all, he had published all 2000 photographs he shot of Marilyn in several different books, all published long ago.

These photos were called “The Last Sitting,” and were virtually the last pictures taken of Marilyn. There are many beautiful images, if you overlook the fact that Marilyn was extremely drunk and high.



(No disrespect for the dead intended. But mon cher lecteurs, the sad reality was that she was an alcoholic and addict, dying six weeks later of an barbiturate overdose.) Later Norman Mailer, may he not rest in peace, used many of these photos for his own exploitation book, a masturbatory fantasy bio titled “Marilyn.”

And now we have Ms. Lohan. When I saw the first photo, I thought she was wearing prosthetic breasts, but then I realized they were phonies of a different sort. I have no idea what this has to do with Spring Fashion 2008, but that was the section into which Star—er, New York Magazine—decided to shoehorn this pathetic travesty.

As for Ms. Lohan, she doesn’t think it is a “big deal,” but then, her actual career has not been a “big deal” for quite some time and this is the first intentional publicity she has received for several years.

I have this to say:

SHAME on all who participated in this degradation of the memory of a beautiful, talented actress who died before her time!

SHAME on all of those who brought this venal monstrosity before the public.

SHAME on those who knew the only similarities between Ms. Lohan and Ms. Monroe are gender, alcohol and drugs.

One only hopes Ms. Lohan has the good fortune to live until 36.

Regretfully,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Out in the Hamptons With The Ultra-Fashionable

DAHLINGS -

Bucky and I are happily esconsced in my exquisite (featured in Architectural Digest) oceanfront mansion. I was reading the Easthampton Star, but I find myself gazing out at the Atlantic Ocean as the sun gleams upon the whitecaps. I have a large contingent of guests here, some of the most famous names in the fashion community. However, they have asked me not to reveal their whereabouts for fear of being swarmed by the paparazzi when they go to the local market. Especially the little stout man who likes to start his day with a six-pack of Budweiser. He has to buy it himself every day because I refuse to put such a common brand on my shopping list!

Each guest tries to outdo the others in fashionable beachwear...quite amusing when one female guest wore one of those stylish outdoor oversized straw hats to the breakfast table. The brim dipped into the Eggs Benedict and we had such a laugh!

As hostess, my only rules are:

• You are not allowed to be boring
• No thong-style bathing suits, no matter how much work you have had done on your buttocks
• Do not try to pick up Bucky and give him a kiss; he looks cute but he will rip your nose off*
• You are NOT allowed to try on my fabulous wardrobe, even if you are male

I believe that is rather liberal of me, don't you? Particularly among people in the fashion industry, who can come to blows over the exact meaning of "bubble dress."

Speaking of which, two of my guests are arguing who is less relevant, Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan. That comes under the subject of boring. Excuse me.

Ciao,
Elisa and Bucky the Wonderdog

* My guests have to sign a waiver to that effect.