The CMT Awards Worst Dressed List

DAHLINGS -

My apologies for the slight time lag, but it was party time this weekend. More than that I shall not say, to spare the feelings of those involved. Suffice to say I am never setting foot outside of New York City or the Hamptons again.

And so, we start the CMT Worst Dressed list with The Paula Deen Death Stare:


"I'm goin' to rip your spleen out and stuff it down your throat, darlin'."

There was an embarassment of...er...riches for this list. Our first candidate:

Miss Teen USA!


Can you imagine having to attend events dressed like your own grandmother? This accidentally-vintage 70s-style horror must have been as much fun to wear as it is to look at.

THE EIGHTIES ARE BACK!

In the midnight hour, she went "more, more, more"...

I have no idea who these people are, but the photo made me throw up in my mouth.

Kellie Pickler appeared in a pouffy 80s prom dress, minus side ponytail and Scrunchy. I should have known it was by Zuhair Marad:

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Hayden Panettiere worked two 80s trends, Qiana and black lace by Pucci...this is the unfortunate result.

Finishing our trip down Bad Fashion Memory Lane, we have Miranda Lambert dressed as a human disco ball:

BUSTAGE MISTAKES

You'd think by now female celebrities would know how to get their dresses properly fitted up top, but it seems to be a bygone art.

In my previous entry, I mentioned Faith Hill's enviable sternum. Laura Bell Bundy flaunts her utter lack of body flesh in the gilded mess:

As much as I approve of cleavage, the lady on the left might have considered wearing a proper brassiere:

Karen Fairchild forgot that all-important lesson: if you are going to wear padded cups, remember to put the pads in them before you exit the limo!

Beautiful songstress Sheryl Crowe demonstrates how to de-emphasize anything positive about your figure and emphasize that you are wearing an overly-large, badly fitted dress that makes you look like you haven't eaten since last October.

FOLIE AUX DRESS

This is the category into which I toss everything that is simply, well, ugly. And it's not just the women who have a lockdown on this category.

For instance, Jake Owen in this blinding nightmare of a shirt.

Julianne Hough illustrates that nothing does more for a girl's looks than a yellow dress with a bright yellow pubic hair applique:

Way to emphasize your talent!

Some celebrities opted for a less subtle approach. This "television personality" opted to wear her pubic hair on her collarbone:

The Situation shows his claim to fame...isn't his 15 minutes up yet?

Speaking of which, we have the inevitable Snooki in her aluminum foil dress:

Carrie Underwood has never been known for her quiet good taste, and she again failed to bring it this Jenny Packman strange pink...draped...buckled...thing.

And finally:

All I can say about Kimberly Schlapman's look is: EEEEEAAAAAAAH! I'M BLIND!

The hair, the dress, the shoes...oh, dear God, the hair, the dress, the shoes!

At least it's unique...thank goodness.

There is nothing that can top that, at least at this awards show. Feel free to express your opinions in the comment sections. But bear in mind that I am always right.

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

People's Choice Award: The Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS -

As I mentioned in my previous post, my choices for Best and Worst were hampered by the sameness of the dresses, particularly the plethora of one-shouldered gowns. However, your faithful correspondent will not let her readers down. Here, in no particular order, are my Worst Dressed.

THE WORST DRESS OF THE NIGHT

One star's outfit leapt out at me. It is amazing that Carrie Underwood managed to find a dress made entirely of chicken wire:



"OUCH, y'all."

And that strange bustle-thing; did it hurt to sit on? I only hope she wasn't badly scratched by evening's end.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, FEED ME A SANDWICH!

There was the usual swarm of hideously gaunt actresses, their fleshless arms and legs exposed by teeny frocks.

First, we have Taylor Swift (who apparently plays major league basketball in her spare time, minus the steroids):

Jessica Alba looks as though nothing but vitamin water has passed her lips for the past six months. This dress was criticized on another site for making Ms. Alba's hips look big...er, big, if you're a praying mantis.

Diane Kruger is disturbing in Herve Leger:

Even a sorry attempt at pouf doesn't make Dana Ramirez look any more female:

SPECIAL NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD AWARD

...goes to Nicole Kidman. Her pallor, skeletal appearance and immobile face (not to mention the flat, lustreless hair) suggest that she died last week, but was specially resurrected to attend this ceremony. I do hope they sprayed her with a great deal of Chanel #5 to conceal the odor of decay.

"I need brains. Braaaains..."

FOLIE AUX DRESS

Whoever this young woman is, she may consider firing her stylist. The oversized, draped top is trying to be 80s and, unfortunately, succeeding. And pumpkin orange is not the new black.

One supposes we should be celebrating Hayley Williams's individuality, for her dress is neither one-shouldered nor draped. However it looks as though she is being attacked by a swarm of huge moths. Her stylist also might have suggested that orange is not the new black when it comes to hair, either.

"This is tasty wool!"

This couple looks as glum as their outfits:

She: "Are we having fun yet?"

He: "No."

Finally, we have Sandra Bullock. Not only is her dress a color that washes her out, it is strangely constructed. It rather looks like the fabric was thrown at her and then basted where it landed. Fortunately, her recent box office successes have made Ms. Bullock able to afford a staggering amount of plastic surgery, leaving her face a waxen mask.

As I wrote before, this is my list, and feel free to leave your comments. But bear in mind that I am always right.

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

As Fashion Week Continues, The Funny Hats March On!

DAHLINGS -

I could kill that idiot of an assistant of mine! I send her my notes from my Blackberry, and the fool DELETES two of the shows I attended on Thursday!

Bad enough that she made utter HASH of the names Badgley Mishka, but then to ERASE my deathless impressions of Stephen Burrows and Miss Sixty! She knew enough to be nowhere in sight when I reeled in on Thursday night after the after-party at Fashion Rocks. (Note: Carrie Underwood again displayed the common touch, which seems to be her strong suit.)



Miss Sixty displayed utterly ridiculous acid-washed jeans, low-waisted and short. Only the Olsen twins could pull them off, and that is being charitable. The hats were, for the most part, large-brimmed and transparent. Really, the only redeeming feature were the enormous envelope clutch bags.

I much preferred the Burrows show, if only because I love bright colors and I needed some cheering up. The dresses were lively and sweet, and more important; there wasn’t a hat to be seen!

Naturally I had written much more, but it is all GONE.

And my assistant was not in the office yet when I set out this morning. DAMN!

Nevertheless, I bundled up Bucky in his hand-made Dooney & Bourke carrier and hopped into the limo. This year, perhaps to make up for the starved appearance of the models, there are abundant sweet treats everywhere. The models merely stare at them, a little drool escaping their pale lips. And most of the fashion industry folk look as though—how do I describe it? —as if they are looking at the opposite of crystal meth. But I’ve been thoroughly enjoying myself. Too bad poor little Bucky cannot have chocolate…but he did get a praline or two.

Behnaz Sarafpour seems to have gotten back onto her medication. Which has also had the effect of dulling whatever creative faculties she possessed. Dozens of dull identical shirtwaist silhouettes, although she had her own contribution of the Fashion Week 2008 theme: funny hats.




Max Azaria’s show was quite nice if you like lingerie, and I do, but I could not quite imagine it as daywear. Although the heterosexual men in the audience, what few there were, seemed to be able to. As I watched the models march down the pink runway to the tune of "I Like to Play," their expressions numb with misery, the thought came to mind: "Would it kill them to smile?"

Perhaps it would. Perhaps they would simultaneously combust or some such.

The major commotion at the show was caused by celebrity void Nicole Richie, who, it is rumored, is pregnant and has what is now tastelessly called a “bump” showing. If indeed this gaunt attention addict is pregnant, we can expect some very special attention at the preemie ward at Lenox Hill hospital.

Meanwhile, Demi Moore was at the Proenza Schouler show at the Armory, surrounded by bodyguards and looking astonishingly wide-eyed at close range. (In fact, one is not sure she can actually blink.) My revered Anna Wintour was there, in what appeared to be a vintage dress! Oh, be still, my heart!

I am not a fan of this design team, and their choice of layered vests over various...things was only redeemed by the funny hat of choice for this show: tall military helmets with feathers. (Yes, one can quite imagine the fashionable young things at luncheon getting their helmets caught in the chandeliers and hanging plants.)



Ciao for now,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog