No MTV Best-Dressed or Worst-Dressed Awards

DAHLINGS -

Yes, one combed through the multitudes of photographs of various celebrities, hoping for either a sublime dress or a ridiculous outfit. But, the only word for the dresses, jumpsuits and other garb at the MTV Awards is...

Boring. Oh, all right, two other words: dull, uninspired.

I think you can see what I mean by this line-up of the MTV Awards Best Dressed, as presented by http://www.redcarpetawards.com/


Photo courtesy of redcarpetawards

Countless thin young women dressed in variations of the same silhouette, be it slightly puffier on the bottom, or strapless, or with a belt...really, dahlings, who cares? Even Sandra Bullock didn't bother very much. Naturally, this being a so-called "subversive" award show, one was hoping for glitz, glamor, lunacy! Instead, we got a parade of narcolepsy-inducing fashion.

The only stand-out, in my mind, was Christina Aguilera. She seems to be having an emotional and stylistic meltdown after since the ascent of Lady Gaga. (Where was Gaga, by the way? We could have used her!!) If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then I suppose Xtina adores Gaga. Too bad it is such a poor imitation. Even in Versace.



Oh, well, at least it was something different. Let's hope the next awards show eschews so much quiet good taste.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The 2010 Academy Awards Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS -

Now that I have brought you the Best Dressed, it's time for my choices for the 2010 Academy Awards Worst Dressed. There were so many choices. The trends for this award show were strapless dresses and ruffles, ruffles and more ruffles. Very few one-shoulder gowns, which was refreshing. So here they are.

We begin with the hands-down winner for not only the ugliest dress, but the ugliest hairdo (the photos do not do it justice: imagine three huge blonde balloons fastened to the back of the head) and the most over-exercised shoulders.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Not to sound like Little Blond Man on cable, but oh, the humanity! The metal breastplate, the back metal breastplate, the butt jewelry...where does it end? No wonder Matthew Broderick looked so uncomfortable all evening. Who wants to be seen with a Chrysler hood ornament? And how did she sit down without that big lump of metal sticking into her butt? Is she trying to channel 60s Barbra Streisand? (Who, by the way, has had a face lift that has left her with such tight skin that if you shake her hand, she nods.) This was Chanel Couture.

This probably means that Sarah won't be making me custom scented soap anymore. Sorry, dahling, but one must tell the truth.

However, there was a close runner-up:

DIANE KRUGER

What is with that shredded toilet paper skirt? That Victorian black bordello trim? Jaws dropped as she made her way down the red carpet, and not in a good way. Is this a vintage 1890s salvaged gown where they cut away the rotted parts? No, it is Chanel once again. The grinding sound you hear is Coco Chanel rotating in her grave.

The rest, is no particular order, are:

CHARLIZE THERON

What was she thinking? "My breasts are so small that I must make everyone notice how tiny they are"? "Nobody cares that I'm here so I'm going to wear a REALLY UGLY DRESS so I get photographed and talked about. I NEED PUBLICITY, PEOPLE!" Actually, the more I look at this Christian Dior mess, the more it looks as though a lilac-colored alien being is reaching its lobster-like claws around her chest.

SANDRA BULLOCK

It certainly was thrifty of her to dash into David's Bridal that morning and find this on the sale rack.

SAMANTHA HARRIS

Another member of the overworked-out crowd, why TV personality Samantha Harris chose this ill-fitting gown with its confusing neckline eludes me. I think she may be suffering from Charlize Theron syndrome: NOTICE ME, DAMMIT!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

The young actress managed to find an Armani Prive' dress that did the opposite: erased her personality. One must confess, the plethora of actresses wearing updos and slicked back hair got awfully tiresome, as seen here.

BOBBLEHEAD GIRL

This is the gaunt woman who works alongside Little Blond Man, critiquing the fashions as they come down the runway. They had to pleat her chest to give her cleavage. God, if only women like this would wear sleeves! The world would be a better place.

DEMI MOORE

As has been noted, it was raining at the Academy Awards that night. Poor Demi Moore and her Atelier Versace gown obviously got caught in a downpour, judging from the sad drowned ruffles and the disheveled hair. I hope she was toweled down shortly after this photograph was taken.

KRISTEN STEWART

Her hunched posture and scowl certainly did not add to the fact that this Monique Lhuillier dress is simply too old for her. Maybe that's why she was scowling? "Mooom, I want to wear Custo Barcelona!"

MILEY CYRUS

Speaking of hunched posture, Miley managed to maintain this uncomfortable and unflattering pose all evening. Perhaps her backless longline bra was too short? She borrowed both the dress and the hairdo from her grandmother, it seems. (However, next to her mother, Miley looked like a beacon of good taste.) One suspects her father encouraged her to wear this outfit.

TOO MUCH DRESS

This had to be a separate category all its own, because so many actresses chose enormous gowns that, in some cases, caused tragedy (to be described below). No, zombie Nicole Kidman was not roaming backstage, looking for brains to eat.

ZOE SALDANA

Where to start? The strange tissue paper flamenco styling that looks as though the purple had vomited out the bottom of the skirt? The hideous color pallette? The strange, unflattering bodice? The little tiny head at the top of this mess? Oh, well, if you wanted B-picture drama on the red carpet, this was your gown. By Givenchy, no less.

RACHEL McADAMS

Actually, it's rather charming that Ms. McAdams made her dress herself, tie-dying the cloth and then basting it together. She got carried away with the skirt, however. Ms. McAdams gets that way sometimes.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

My first thought upon seeing this Armani Prive' gown was that Jennifer Lopez was trying to make her husband Marc Anthony even more inconspicuous. Why does he bother to leave the house anymore? My second thought was that the piece sticking out of the ice pink bodice could easily be snapped off. And that perhaps the entire dress was made from that thin foamboard children play with in first grade. Fortunately, in case something like that happened, she was carrying a huge pink handkerchief attached to her hip to clean up any mess.

VERA FARMIGA

And she looked so beautiful in Up In The Air. This is the tragedy I alluded to above: another actress devoured by her own dress. Shortly after she left the Academy stage, screams were heard coming from the ladies room. Witnesses who rushed in have reported that Farmiga was gone. There was only a huge heap of ruffles on the tiled floor. Another senseless couture tragedy.

So there you have it. Please feel free to comment, agree or disagree. But remember; I am always right.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

2010 SAG Awards: The Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS -

First, my absolute top of the list:



The entire female cast of Nine! Together, they look like a fabric catfight. Separately isn't so good, either. For instance, zombie Nicole Kidman:



At a distance it looks like an ugly peasant dress, but upon closer examination, it is an ugly peasant dress covered with sequins. Hair collides with Bob Mackie. And Kate Hudson...why this obsession with white?



From the front, she looks like a large bar of white chocolate. Simultaneously, she looks as though she never touches white chocolate, or anything remotely calorific. This dress gives me a severe case of cognitive dissonance. (Look it up.)

Speaking of Kate Hudson, one suspects Paula Patton stole Hudson's dress from the Golden Globes (I hope Ms. Patton got the blood off the dress from the man's severed hand, cf. an earlier entry):



Ordinarily I applaud women who display their curves. I fervently hope that Patricia Arquette's gown is vintage 1970s, otherwise...well...although who in their right mind would wear vintage 1970s?



Anna Paquin's dress would have made my "Breast Foot Forward" list if I had one this go-round. But I do not, so I'll simply say it looks like a leftover from Snakes On A Plane. (Note tasteful placement of cobra head.)



Heidi Klum* would undoubtedly say that Mariska Hargitay's dress seems to be "pooping fabric," to use one of Ms. Klum's favorite terms. Combine that with the unflattering hot pink, and you get this:



Sandra Bullock channels Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek in this, er, rather strange selection. When she recieved her award, Ms. Bullock nobly tried to move her face, but to no avail.



Dianna Agron did not want to carry a clutch. So she kept a lipstick and some low-cal snacks in a handy pouch hanging off her cleavage:



Finally, I had not thought that Toni Collette could top that mass of sequins she wore to the Golden Globes, but voila! Words fail me (just imagine some gargling noises, dear readers).



* My apologies for not writing about Project Runway yet. Busy, busy!

As always, feel free to leave your comments. But bear in mind, I am always right.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

People's Choice Award: The Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS -

As I mentioned in my previous post, my choices for Best and Worst were hampered by the sameness of the dresses, particularly the plethora of one-shouldered gowns. However, your faithful correspondent will not let her readers down. Here, in no particular order, are my Worst Dressed.

THE WORST DRESS OF THE NIGHT

One star's outfit leapt out at me. It is amazing that Carrie Underwood managed to find a dress made entirely of chicken wire:



"OUCH, y'all."

And that strange bustle-thing; did it hurt to sit on? I only hope she wasn't badly scratched by evening's end.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, FEED ME A SANDWICH!

There was the usual swarm of hideously gaunt actresses, their fleshless arms and legs exposed by teeny frocks.

First, we have Taylor Swift (who apparently plays major league basketball in her spare time, minus the steroids):

Jessica Alba looks as though nothing but vitamin water has passed her lips for the past six months. This dress was criticized on another site for making Ms. Alba's hips look big...er, big, if you're a praying mantis.

Diane Kruger is disturbing in Herve Leger:

Even a sorry attempt at pouf doesn't make Dana Ramirez look any more female:

SPECIAL NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD AWARD

...goes to Nicole Kidman. Her pallor, skeletal appearance and immobile face (not to mention the flat, lustreless hair) suggest that she died last week, but was specially resurrected to attend this ceremony. I do hope they sprayed her with a great deal of Chanel #5 to conceal the odor of decay.

"I need brains. Braaaains..."

FOLIE AUX DRESS

Whoever this young woman is, she may consider firing her stylist. The oversized, draped top is trying to be 80s and, unfortunately, succeeding. And pumpkin orange is not the new black.

One supposes we should be celebrating Hayley Williams's individuality, for her dress is neither one-shouldered nor draped. However it looks as though she is being attacked by a swarm of huge moths. Her stylist also might have suggested that orange is not the new black when it comes to hair, either.

"This is tasty wool!"

This couple looks as glum as their outfits:

She: "Are we having fun yet?"

He: "No."

Finally, we have Sandra Bullock. Not only is her dress a color that washes her out, it is strangely constructed. It rather looks like the fabric was thrown at her and then basted where it landed. Fortunately, her recent box office successes have made Ms. Bullock able to afford a staggering amount of plastic surgery, leaving her face a waxen mask.

As I wrote before, this is my list, and feel free to leave your comments. But bear in mind that I am always right.

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

How Does One Choose the Grammy's Worst Dressed??

DAHLINGS -

I know that the cliche' goes that musicians march to a different drummer (or these days, computerized keyboard) when it comes to fashion, but...the Grammy Awards presented such an unrelenting parade of crimes against fashion!

How surreal it all is becomes clear when you realize that Carrie Underwood is one of the BEST dressed.
(All photographs courtesy of Getty Images)



In my unhumble opinion, Jordin Sparks was the best dressed of the evening, glorious in Debra Davenport:



The band Coldplay showed up, cleverly costumed as a box of Crayolas:



And it wouldn't be Hollywood without several hideously gaunt young women, including Audrina Partridge, who in Tadashi achieved the trifecta of a too-low strapless dress, jagged collarbones and stick-thin arms:



and Paris Hilton in vintage Versace and an irritating sense of entitlement:



Gack.

Whitney Houston showed up, looking lovely in Zuhair Murad. Although shortly after this photo was taken she fell over backwards onto the couch and passed out.



Jennifer Hudson has apparently succumbed to "Oprah's Disease", becoming unnaturally thin. One hopes it is the camera angle. As for the RM for Roland Mouret dress, it is moi or is it both poorly fitted and bunched up in strange places?



No one expects quiet good taste from Paula Abdul, but this his hideous yellow thing by Basil Soda will remain burned into my retinas for at least a week.



However, the winner of The Worst Dressed At The Grammys Goes to:

M.I.A., whose fashion sense was also missing in action:



Yes, they say she's expecting. What? The circus coming to town? And Christian Lacroix sneakers? It's the end of civilization, I tell you.

Mon Dieu, I must hie me to the other room and listen to some Schubert.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Golden Globes 2009: MY Worst Dressed!

DAHLINGS -

I realize that some of my choices will go against the popular grain, but one must be true to oneself, n'cest pas? Some are based not only on the gowns, but the overall presentation as well, which may also be against the popular grain.

First, however, the overwhelming favorite for Worst Dressed At the Golden Globes:
Renee Zellwegger.

She went to her favorite designer, Carolina Herrera.
What on EARTH were they thinking? This looks like an unfinished project on Project Runway! There's the shapeless muslin underbodice (in close-up you can see the stitching that holds it to the skirt); the visible back zipper at the waist; the badly bungled sheer sleeves; the skirt would be all right if the top was not so ill-conceived. The underbodice might even have worked if it had been in a solid color, say indigo blue. One does not like to use the word disaster, because Hurricane Katrina was a disaster. This is merely a very ugly dress. As for Renee's hair, well, it might have worked with something a little less...awful.

Marisa Tomei will not be on this list because at least she was wearing something comfortable and true to herself amidst a bobbing pond of safety.

Anne Hathaway

This brilliant young actress made many Best Dressed lists in this navy Armani gown, but her gaunt appearance is so off-putting, and the dress seems too heavy and to only highlight the fact that she is badly in need of some decent meals. One does hope she is not going the way of Audrey Hepburn, who in her later years wore dresses like this and showed the sharpest collarbones this side of a Wusthof chef's knife.

Olivia Wilde and Eva Longoria

Again, two frighteningly razor-thin actresses who made many of the Best Dressed Lists. The House co-star Wilde opts to go for a fluffy skirt in a dress by Reem Acra, which makes her look like one of those dolls they used to put over toilet paper rolls. (However, on the show she does play a character who might be dieing, so perhaps the producers have put her on reduced rations. Jennifer Morrison, her co-star, looked smashing and quite healthy.)

Eva Longoria also chose Reem Acra for the red carpet, in a mermaid style. One critic said Eva's gown looked as though it had as many Botox treatments as the actress herself; I could not have put it better. Ladies, cover up those stick-like arms!

So that is my list. It might seem a tad short, but so many stars opted for dull over anything else. White, off-white, cream, gray, flesh, champagne...one could get narcolepsy just browsing the photos.

Beyonce looked very nice, even if her body tape showed in many photographs, and Christina Hendrix (Mad Men) showed off her smashing figure in the lovely black number:

I have a slight quibble with how rumpled the neckline looks, but one must keep an open mind.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog