The 2010 Academy Awards Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS -

Now that I have brought you the Best Dressed, it's time for my choices for the 2010 Academy Awards Worst Dressed. There were so many choices. The trends for this award show were strapless dresses and ruffles, ruffles and more ruffles. Very few one-shoulder gowns, which was refreshing. So here they are.

We begin with the hands-down winner for not only the ugliest dress, but the ugliest hairdo (the photos do not do it justice: imagine three huge blonde balloons fastened to the back of the head) and the most over-exercised shoulders.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Not to sound like Little Blond Man on cable, but oh, the humanity! The metal breastplate, the back metal breastplate, the butt jewelry...where does it end? No wonder Matthew Broderick looked so uncomfortable all evening. Who wants to be seen with a Chrysler hood ornament? And how did she sit down without that big lump of metal sticking into her butt? Is she trying to channel 60s Barbra Streisand? (Who, by the way, has had a face lift that has left her with such tight skin that if you shake her hand, she nods.) This was Chanel Couture.

This probably means that Sarah won't be making me custom scented soap anymore. Sorry, dahling, but one must tell the truth.

However, there was a close runner-up:

DIANE KRUGER

What is with that shredded toilet paper skirt? That Victorian black bordello trim? Jaws dropped as she made her way down the red carpet, and not in a good way. Is this a vintage 1890s salvaged gown where they cut away the rotted parts? No, it is Chanel once again. The grinding sound you hear is Coco Chanel rotating in her grave.

The rest, is no particular order, are:

CHARLIZE THERON

What was she thinking? "My breasts are so small that I must make everyone notice how tiny they are"? "Nobody cares that I'm here so I'm going to wear a REALLY UGLY DRESS so I get photographed and talked about. I NEED PUBLICITY, PEOPLE!" Actually, the more I look at this Christian Dior mess, the more it looks as though a lilac-colored alien being is reaching its lobster-like claws around her chest.

SANDRA BULLOCK

It certainly was thrifty of her to dash into David's Bridal that morning and find this on the sale rack.

SAMANTHA HARRIS

Another member of the overworked-out crowd, why TV personality Samantha Harris chose this ill-fitting gown with its confusing neckline eludes me. I think she may be suffering from Charlize Theron syndrome: NOTICE ME, DAMMIT!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

The young actress managed to find an Armani Prive' dress that did the opposite: erased her personality. One must confess, the plethora of actresses wearing updos and slicked back hair got awfully tiresome, as seen here.

BOBBLEHEAD GIRL

This is the gaunt woman who works alongside Little Blond Man, critiquing the fashions as they come down the runway. They had to pleat her chest to give her cleavage. God, if only women like this would wear sleeves! The world would be a better place.

DEMI MOORE

As has been noted, it was raining at the Academy Awards that night. Poor Demi Moore and her Atelier Versace gown obviously got caught in a downpour, judging from the sad drowned ruffles and the disheveled hair. I hope she was toweled down shortly after this photograph was taken.

KRISTEN STEWART

Her hunched posture and scowl certainly did not add to the fact that this Monique Lhuillier dress is simply too old for her. Maybe that's why she was scowling? "Mooom, I want to wear Custo Barcelona!"

MILEY CYRUS

Speaking of hunched posture, Miley managed to maintain this uncomfortable and unflattering pose all evening. Perhaps her backless longline bra was too short? She borrowed both the dress and the hairdo from her grandmother, it seems. (However, next to her mother, Miley looked like a beacon of good taste.) One suspects her father encouraged her to wear this outfit.

TOO MUCH DRESS

This had to be a separate category all its own, because so many actresses chose enormous gowns that, in some cases, caused tragedy (to be described below). No, zombie Nicole Kidman was not roaming backstage, looking for brains to eat.

ZOE SALDANA

Where to start? The strange tissue paper flamenco styling that looks as though the purple had vomited out the bottom of the skirt? The hideous color pallette? The strange, unflattering bodice? The little tiny head at the top of this mess? Oh, well, if you wanted B-picture drama on the red carpet, this was your gown. By Givenchy, no less.

RACHEL McADAMS

Actually, it's rather charming that Ms. McAdams made her dress herself, tie-dying the cloth and then basting it together. She got carried away with the skirt, however. Ms. McAdams gets that way sometimes.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

My first thought upon seeing this Armani Prive' gown was that Jennifer Lopez was trying to make her husband Marc Anthony even more inconspicuous. Why does he bother to leave the house anymore? My second thought was that the piece sticking out of the ice pink bodice could easily be snapped off. And that perhaps the entire dress was made from that thin foamboard children play with in first grade. Fortunately, in case something like that happened, she was carrying a huge pink handkerchief attached to her hip to clean up any mess.

VERA FARMIGA

And she looked so beautiful in Up In The Air. This is the tragedy I alluded to above: another actress devoured by her own dress. Shortly after she left the Academy stage, screams were heard coming from the ladies room. Witnesses who rushed in have reported that Farmiga was gone. There was only a huge heap of ruffles on the tiled floor. Another senseless couture tragedy.

So there you have it. Please feel free to comment, agree or disagree. But remember; I am always right.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Met Museum Costume Gala's Worst Dressed 2009

DAHLINGS -

To put it mildly, there was an abundance of riches to choose from at last night's Metropolitan Museum gala for "Model To Muse", a celebration of models in the recent decades of fashion. The worst faux pas did not come from the models, who, for the most part, wear what they're told. No, it was the celebrities who outdid themselves.

Number one, of course, is Madonna. What can one say about this Louis Vuitton Playboy bunny-meets-Dumpster-Diving outfit? Except ugh.

The fingerless gloves and ultra-tight face makes one wonder if she might have been spending too much time with Karl Lagerfeld. What a shame that Madge has reached the age where she has to dress eccentrically to be noticeable (or at least she thinks she does). After all, being number one on all the polls for worst-dressed is better than no press at all, isn't it?

Or is it? Poor deluded soul.

One would think that January Jones in a gold dress would spell red carpet success. However, they would be sadly mistaken.

Not only does it do nothing for her beautiful body, it also looks like something bought out of a catalog.

Molly Sims also bucked the neutral trend and wore gold, but this Dolce & Gabbana 80s-era flashback dress did nothing for her.

As for Rhianna, I will leave the reader to imagine what I would say about her relationship with Chris Brown having something to do with her choice of outfit:

At least she doesn't have to worry about looking too attractive for a change.

Poor Liz Goldwyn! Her new Rodarte gown got absolutely drenched in the heavy rain, and the dye ran all over the place. (You should see the seats of her limousine!)

The most horrible part of the evening was when Shalom Harlow got eaten by her dress, shortly after this photo was taken. It was rather like the hungry plant in "Little Shop of Horrors." By the end of the evening there was nothing left but a large pile of black satin and a fingernail. Shalom, we hardly knew ye.

But wait, there's more! Here is Leighton Meester in a dress that only a crazed designer could love (and the leggings, dear God, the leggings!).

Like Madonna, she is also in Louis Vuitton. What does that fashion house have against women?

Kerry Washington's dress simply baffled me, so it is at the bottom of my list. It's not good, it's not bad, it's just...all over the place.

And once again, the dress is by Louis Vuitton. Does one sense a pattern here?

Finally, not necessarily the worst dressed, but certainly the most frightening: Tyra Banks. She looked like Joan Crawford about to go on a rampage.

Too bad she didn't taken on the dress that ate Shalom Harlow. That would have been a battle to watch!

More later!

Ciao,

Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The Oscar's Worst Dressed 2009

DAHLINGS -

Last night, while we were watching the Academy Awards red carpet coverage, it seemed that a swarm of skinny women in white, cream or gray dresses were wondering around. When the female announcer said "Every woman looks gorgeous," my male companion added, "And the same." Yes, it may be true that fashion inspiration is as dead as a doornail when it comes to award ceremonies (most of the actresses looked like Movie Star In A Box, in your favorite choice of colors: Natalie Portman in pink, Angelina Jolie in black, blah, blah, blah) as least these brave women dared to crash and burn.


Oscar's Worst Dressed can be broken down into categories. The first is

Night Of The Living Dead

Exemplified by fleshless cadaverous actresses, preferably with no color in their faces. Anne Hathaway, despite her talent, leads the pack for this honor, in Armani Prive:


Anne, unless your next role is a Holocaust victim, eat a croissant! I'm certain you haven't had a period in two years!

Evan Rachel Wood is a close second in Elie Saab--when will the woman get a clue and wear some COLOR?




I have no idea who this young woman is, but she fits right in, terrifyingly enough:



One shoulder--time for a glass of--oh, damn, that was last night. How does this girl have the strength to stand?

And of course, Nicole Kidman, who looks understandably peeved about the foliage sprouting around her decolletage:



To finish this category (sorry, the phrase "round out" does not fit), Melissa George:

Lesson, children: One should never wear a dress that makes one look like a pencil stuck in a toilet tissue.

Our next category is

No Taste Whatsoever

Which some actresses go in and out of at whim. My top candidate is Miley Cyrus, whose gown is virtually beyond my descriptive powers. My first thought was that she looked like she was trying to escape from a giant tropical plant trying to devour her, but really, the petal edges look more like mold. TOO MUCH DRESS!





Tilda Swinton marches to a different drummer, in this case Lanvin, right off the cliff:



GACK.


Sophia Loren is a goddess...or used to be. Sophia, Sophia, what happened? Why are you wearing a too-fussy ruffled gown that is the same color as your spray-on tan and your hair?? That gown looks right out of a bad Western movie, with you playing the madame of a bordello. (In fact, back in the 1960s they often had Italian women playing parts like that in Westerns--it was an odd phase. Could it be that Sophia is feeling nostalgia for Sergio Leone?)



And it is a major mistake to stand next to the elegant Meryl Streep, in beautifully draped gray gown and tastefully bared shoulders.





The final category might as well be called

FOLIE AU DRESS

Many of them have already been shown in my previous posts, but a few got under the wire. First we have the widely-reviled Jessica Biel, who could gave escaped a great deal of grief by running some oatmeal through her hair prior to leaving the mansion. The strange cloth contraption on the front of her gown looks as though she might be carrying a spare set of breasts. Or perhaps to put some hors de'oevres in to munch on during the endless broadcast.

Is it moi, or has Beyonce been wearing the same dress to every event for the past two years? Only the colors and the textures change. Really, the photographers don't have to bother with live snaps anymore. You could take a photo of Beyonce and run it through Photoshop, changing the colors to whatever occasion she shows up for.

Unlike others, your faithful correspondent does not believe this is a bad dress. It's just the same dress.

Oh, well, at least it wasn't white.

While there is something to be said for a woman her age being able to wear this dress at all, and at least she didn't look insane for a change, Sharon Stone might want wanted to think twice before baring everything:

Lovely nipples, Sharon, but one could have done without knowing exactly what they look like. Was the sex shop out of pasties?

That is it for now. Stay tuned for my Best Dressed!

Ciao, Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog