The 2010 Academy Awards Worst Dressed

DAHLINGS -

Now that I have brought you the Best Dressed, it's time for my choices for the 2010 Academy Awards Worst Dressed. There were so many choices. The trends for this award show were strapless dresses and ruffles, ruffles and more ruffles. Very few one-shoulder gowns, which was refreshing. So here they are.

We begin with the hands-down winner for not only the ugliest dress, but the ugliest hairdo (the photos do not do it justice: imagine three huge blonde balloons fastened to the back of the head) and the most over-exercised shoulders.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER

Not to sound like Little Blond Man on cable, but oh, the humanity! The metal breastplate, the back metal breastplate, the butt jewelry...where does it end? No wonder Matthew Broderick looked so uncomfortable all evening. Who wants to be seen with a Chrysler hood ornament? And how did she sit down without that big lump of metal sticking into her butt? Is she trying to channel 60s Barbra Streisand? (Who, by the way, has had a face lift that has left her with such tight skin that if you shake her hand, she nods.) This was Chanel Couture.

This probably means that Sarah won't be making me custom scented soap anymore. Sorry, dahling, but one must tell the truth.

However, there was a close runner-up:

DIANE KRUGER

What is with that shredded toilet paper skirt? That Victorian black bordello trim? Jaws dropped as she made her way down the red carpet, and not in a good way. Is this a vintage 1890s salvaged gown where they cut away the rotted parts? No, it is Chanel once again. The grinding sound you hear is Coco Chanel rotating in her grave.

The rest, is no particular order, are:

CHARLIZE THERON

What was she thinking? "My breasts are so small that I must make everyone notice how tiny they are"? "Nobody cares that I'm here so I'm going to wear a REALLY UGLY DRESS so I get photographed and talked about. I NEED PUBLICITY, PEOPLE!" Actually, the more I look at this Christian Dior mess, the more it looks as though a lilac-colored alien being is reaching its lobster-like claws around her chest.

SANDRA BULLOCK

It certainly was thrifty of her to dash into David's Bridal that morning and find this on the sale rack.

SAMANTHA HARRIS

Another member of the overworked-out crowd, why TV personality Samantha Harris chose this ill-fitting gown with its confusing neckline eludes me. I think she may be suffering from Charlize Theron syndrome: NOTICE ME, DAMMIT!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

The young actress managed to find an Armani Prive' dress that did the opposite: erased her personality. One must confess, the plethora of actresses wearing updos and slicked back hair got awfully tiresome, as seen here.

BOBBLEHEAD GIRL

This is the gaunt woman who works alongside Little Blond Man, critiquing the fashions as they come down the runway. They had to pleat her chest to give her cleavage. God, if only women like this would wear sleeves! The world would be a better place.

DEMI MOORE

As has been noted, it was raining at the Academy Awards that night. Poor Demi Moore and her Atelier Versace gown obviously got caught in a downpour, judging from the sad drowned ruffles and the disheveled hair. I hope she was toweled down shortly after this photograph was taken.

KRISTEN STEWART

Her hunched posture and scowl certainly did not add to the fact that this Monique Lhuillier dress is simply too old for her. Maybe that's why she was scowling? "Mooom, I want to wear Custo Barcelona!"

MILEY CYRUS

Speaking of hunched posture, Miley managed to maintain this uncomfortable and unflattering pose all evening. Perhaps her backless longline bra was too short? She borrowed both the dress and the hairdo from her grandmother, it seems. (However, next to her mother, Miley looked like a beacon of good taste.) One suspects her father encouraged her to wear this outfit.

TOO MUCH DRESS

This had to be a separate category all its own, because so many actresses chose enormous gowns that, in some cases, caused tragedy (to be described below). No, zombie Nicole Kidman was not roaming backstage, looking for brains to eat.

ZOE SALDANA

Where to start? The strange tissue paper flamenco styling that looks as though the purple had vomited out the bottom of the skirt? The hideous color pallette? The strange, unflattering bodice? The little tiny head at the top of this mess? Oh, well, if you wanted B-picture drama on the red carpet, this was your gown. By Givenchy, no less.

RACHEL McADAMS

Actually, it's rather charming that Ms. McAdams made her dress herself, tie-dying the cloth and then basting it together. She got carried away with the skirt, however. Ms. McAdams gets that way sometimes.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

My first thought upon seeing this Armani Prive' gown was that Jennifer Lopez was trying to make her husband Marc Anthony even more inconspicuous. Why does he bother to leave the house anymore? My second thought was that the piece sticking out of the ice pink bodice could easily be snapped off. And that perhaps the entire dress was made from that thin foamboard children play with in first grade. Fortunately, in case something like that happened, she was carrying a huge pink handkerchief attached to her hip to clean up any mess.

VERA FARMIGA

And she looked so beautiful in Up In The Air. This is the tragedy I alluded to above: another actress devoured by her own dress. Shortly after she left the Academy stage, screams were heard coming from the ladies room. Witnesses who rushed in have reported that Farmiga was gone. There was only a huge heap of ruffles on the tiled floor. Another senseless couture tragedy.

So there you have it. Please feel free to comment, agree or disagree. But remember; I am always right.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The 2010 Academy Awards Best Dressed

DAHLINGS -

As I trawl the Internet to bring you tid-bits for my blog-thing, I am truly amazed by the variety of opinions I find on the gowns worn by the actresses at the Academy Awards. Awash in strapless columns and ruffles, the readers do not know where to turn!

Fortunately, you no longer have to be confused, because I am here to guide you.

ZOE KRAVITZ

The actress daughter of Lenny Kravitz looks radiant in a white and red gown that is simplicity itself. Even if her father's music is derivative, Zoe clearly has her own sense of style.

KATHRYN BIGELOW

Even before I knew she was the Oscar-winning director of the Oscar-winning film The Hurt Locker (nyah-nyah, James Cameron!) I thought she was one of the best dressed women on the red carpet. This titanium silk YSL dress makes the most of her beautiful figure.

MO'NIQUE

What makes this Tadashi Shoji look particularly special is that the actress (who won for Best Supporting) is saluting Hattie McDaniel, the first African-American ever to win an Oscar, by wearing blue and a flower in her hair. As Ms. McDaniels did all those years ago.

SUSAN DOWNEY

Not only does Susan have the finest arm candy of the evening in husband Robert Downey Jr., her dress fits perfectly, and displays individuality and flair in the best way possible. (The worst possible ways will be in my next entry.)

GABBY SIDIBE

She coined the immortal line, "If fashion is porn, then I am the money shot!" (If that has to be explained to you, go ask your parents.) This beautiful blue gown is by Marchesa. My only disappointment is that she again lost the Best Actress Award to Sandra Bullock, who has been winning so many awards she might as well phone in her awards speech.

MERYL STREEP

Stunning once again in a gown by my darling Chris March! The man can do ANYTHING! She looks poised, age-appropriate, and very sexy. Her hair and jewelry complement her dress perfectly.

MARISKA HARGITAY

She made Worst Dressed on my last list, but let's face it, how many of today's actresses know how to work a strapless gown to the hilt? This dark blue number makes the most of her many assets.

QUEEN LATIFAH

What can one say? (If you think I'm going to say "All Hail The Queen" I'll slap you silly.) She knows herself, she knows the red carpet, she has it down to a beautiful science. All women should be so effortlessly comfortable with themselves.

CHRISTINA HENDRICKS

She is actually attending Elton John's fabled Oscar After-Party, but she looks so fabulous I had to include her on my list. Even if the photograph is from a terrible angle. I'll wager the photographer stood on a chair. They used to do that to Marilyn, too.

So there are my picks. Feel free to comment, to agree or disagree, or to mention someone I've left out. For the record, Maggie Gyllenhall and Sigourney Weaver both looked lovely, but not quite up to this particular standard. Of course, Alec Baldwin looked...well, hot is the only word I can think of. Oh, dear, I need to go off and fan myself. That is not a euphemism.

And remember, I am always right.

Ciao,
Elisa and Bucky The Wonderdog

*All images courtesy of Getty and Wireimage

The Oscars Drone On...Does Anyone Still Think Heath Ledger Won't Win?

DAHLINGS -

While I was upbraiding the chef, Jerry Lewis received the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award and according to one of my guests, "nearly lost it." Now they are doing the Dead People part. How that accursed chef could think I wouldn't spot pigs in blankets is beyond me...

To nobody's surprise, Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor. Yawn. Yes, I know he's dead, but that movie was simply too unnerving, and I thought that Dennis Hopper was just as good in "Speed". But then, I am quite used to being in the minority.

Also to nobody's surprise, "Slumdog Millionaire" is sweeping the other awards, all of those funny ones that I don't pay attention to. Most of my guests (and my male companion) are extremely drunk and hoping that Mickey Rourke wins Best Actor. I feel so terrible that he lost his beloved dog! (I think that explains his choice of wardrobe--out of his mind with grief.)


Only a true animal lover can understand his pain, right, Bucky? And no, you can't have a chocolate cupcake, I can't have you making sick on the Aubusson.

Oh my God, what IS Reese Witherspoon wearing? And that eye makeup? Is she playing the cobalt version of Vampira? Oh, dear, someone gave their stylist the night off!



With that nightmarish vision in my head, I bid you all good night.

Oh, wait--how beautiful Kate Winslet looks crying onstage! Of course, she looks beautiful doing anything.

Mon Dieu!

Sean Penn won for "Milk"! Hooray! I am sorry for Mickey Rourke, but what a magnificent speech Sean gave. The perfect antidote to Reese Witherspoon.

I am going off to bed. Tomorrow I will give you my Best and Worst Dressed.


Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Policing The Oscar Fashion Police...

DAHLINGS –

Yesterday, while taking a well-deserved rest between performances of my show, I watched “Oscar Fashion Police” on some basic cable channel…I believe it was E!.

All I can say is, mon dieu! Who ARE these people? A parade of stumpy little men with strange haircuts, some woman named Debbie Matenopoulous, and the fabulous Kimora. They were calling the stars’ clothes “disgusting”, “a disgrace,” “ridiculous.”

Now, as you all know, I am all for freedom of speech, particularly when it comes to slagging celebrities. But this is simply too much, particularly coming from the stumpy little men. Debbie Maten-what’s-her-name was wearing a blinding pink parody of a bridesmaid’s dress, with an enormous bow that dwarfed her tiny little face and badly dyed hair. Kimora looked considerably more glamorous than she did at the Academy Awards, thank goodness.

During the Oscars, Kimora bore an unnerving resemblance to Imelda Marcos. I have been unable to find a picture; perhaps it has been suppressed.

Not that I didn’t agree with some of their choices. Although Johnny Depp didn’t look that bad. (His wife was another story.) But to be so brutal…no wonder celebrities look so dull on the red carpet. The tiniest misstep is called “ghastly”. One little man had bleached white hair standing straight up—who on earth is he to call anyone on the (red) carpet for fashion missteps?

Your faithful correspondent needed to get that off her creamy chest. I have a performance tonight, so I must go lie down. Bucky has been sulking because he is not allowed to play himself onstage. However, it is a non-Equity production, and he’s a member, so he would have had to play under a false name. And it’s hard enough to make him obey under his own.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

More on the Oscar's lack of style

DAHLINGS -

Most of the critics are complaining that the dresses were too "safe." It's been that way for years, lookalike long stately Grace Kelly gowns, dull, dull, dull. That is why I am almost grateful for those who are willing to look totally awful.

Take for example Tilda Swinton. With no makeup and an huge one-armed dress made out of a black satin bedsheet that she must have bought at a 99 cent store, she certainly stood out. In fact, she reminded me strongly of those all-white mannequins you see in the shops, the faceless kind.



Then we have this strange man on the red carpet wearing an enormous John Travolta mask. I wonder who he is?



And once again, Nicole Kidman lets us down, in a shapeless black dress and a messy diamond necklace that looks like a chandelier dropped on her head en route to the podium.



You actually cannot get the full effect from this photo, but trust me on this one.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The Carpet Runs Red At The Oscars...

DAHLINGS,

It’s Oscar night, and no Vanity Fair party! Not only that, your faithful correspondent is simply wrung out from the stress of working on my soon-to-be-opening extravaganza, “Diary of A Mad Fashionista,” which opens this Wednesday.

No matter. It is my duty to report on the good, bad and the ugly on the red carpet, and then to bed. Perhaps not the exhaustive reportage my readers have come to expect from yours truly, but the mere fact that I am dictating this is a feat in itself. The blog comes first!

First, I have to say, that beautiful Jennifer Hudson should have let my dear friend Andre Leon Talley dress her this year. And for me to say THAT is significant. She is in an dazzlingly unflattering Grecian white dress with an Empire waist (why do busty women think they will look better in Empire waists?), and a shapeless bust. I do hope that dear Jennifer is not channeling Aretha Franklin nowadays!



Second, on the other end of the weight scale, Calista Flockhart was also in a Grecian draped dress (did Rami from “Project Runway” dress the invitees?) in a sickly shade of blue green, the better to look truly anorexic. Her better two-thirds, Harrison Ford, has taken to wearing a gray page boy, perhaps in homage to the Best Supporting Actor, Javier Bardem.

Another trend on the red carpet was “bed-head.” Cameron Diaz wore a scruffy ponytail (it matched the wrinkles in her gown), and Colin Farrell’s hair hung down in an uncombed mess.

Helen Mirren looked…very good. This appearance was a tad disappointing from an actress who always looks spectacular.



(Personally, I think it was the lace sleeves on her red gown. It looked like she’d thrown on an old English cardigan, even if they are crystals.)

Meanwhile, Kristin Chenoweth must have had not time to shop and ran straight to the nearest Frederick's of Hollywood.



More later…I simply must hie me to bed.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The End of Oscar Night, and Off To Party!

(Note - I am transcribing this from Miss DeCarlo's notes. It's late and I want to go home, but if this isn't fresh and crisp and published tomorrow, I will be put through the tortures of the damned. The Devil doesn't wear Prada, she wears wisps of chiffon. You didn't hear it from me.)

Oh, dear, that naughty Chris Noth! My gown is all mussed, my glorious blonde hair flattened, but it was worth it! I snap my fingers at George Clooney! He doesn't know what he's missing.

Speaking of missing, we seem to have missed quite a few categories, since they're just finishing up the Dead People segment. Oh, well, I don't think anyone important died or I would have heard of it. Chris, dahling, would you be a dear boy and get me another mojito? Thank you!

Hmmmm..Helen Mirren won Best Actress. That scrumptious Christian Lacroix dress...the woman is agelessly hot. Lovely breasts. Oh, dear, I sound like Oprah Winfrey.



Look at that ridiculous getup she wore to the Oscars. Not quite in the Sally Kirkland league, but heading in that general direction.

Oh, my, Forrest Whittaker won Best Actor. Everybody knew he would, but poor Peter O' Toole. He was so wonderful in "Venus", if rather hard to look at in close-up. And what is with Mr. Whittaker's eye? For all of his career I have been wondering when he is going to have that strange eyelid of his fixed. But perhaps it's like that huge mole on that Creole singer's forehead...it has mystical powers or some such.



Darling Marty Scorsese! He is such a divine man, so small and yet so wonderfully talented. I grip Chris's hand hard and squeeze, for I am feeling quite happy and a bit tipsy. I should have eaten something besides one piece of rumaki, but this dress is very tight and Oscar (the designer, not the statue) didn't have time to let it out.

And now "The Departed" won. My God, is that actually Diane Keaton? In that lovely black ensemble? Someone must have mugged her backstage and forcibly changed her clothes, she never looks decent on awards shows. My, what a tiny waist! It almost makes up for having to look at Jack Nicholson and his huge cueball head.

The only nominee I saw was "Little Miss Sunshine," which I adored, although between you and moi, Eddie Murphy should have gotten Best Supporting Actor. The Norbit curse and all that, you know.

Chris is beckoning that it is time to move on to the next shindig...Good night, dahlings!

Oscar Night Marches On!

(Note - this is being transcribed by me, Miss DeCarlo's personal assistant...she threw her Blackberry into the office early this afternoon when she got in, and went straight to bed. If I knock on the door I could get severely hurt. I need a new job...)

DAHLINGS -

Next stop, the Entertainment Weekly magazine party at Elaine's! Now THIS is a soiree! I fit right in. My favorite film critic, Lisa Schwarzbaum, is sitting in the last remnant of lap Harvey Weinstein still has. Can you say 'conflict of interest'?"

Half the casts of all of the various permutations of "Law and Order" are here...of course, I forgot that they film in our dear city. And there is Liev Schrieber, whose Hamlet I am still trying to forget...wasn't he supposed to be at the New York magazine party?

Dear God, I look up at the television monitor to see Randy Newman and James Taylor. Sweet Geezer James always sounds exactly the same, whether he's singing 'Fire and Rain' or Randy's latest piece of Oscar dreck...time for another cocktail, pronto.

There's Chris Noth...be still, my heart (and other parts of my anatomy). He's sitting with one of the hundreds of cast members of "Law and Order."

But our eyes lock, and we move across the crowded room toward each other. It is almost as good as meeting George Clooney. A girl can't have everything, but this is pretty darn close. We watch the monitor as Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway present Best Costume Design. I think it's rather silly to have extras in the clothes rather than mannequins, and, looking at the corgi onstage, reflect on just how badly Bucky would behave under the circumstances. (Peeing on the Queen would be so low class.)

"Marie Antoinette"?? Is the Academy mad? They will always go for the foo-foo and ruffles over the more sophisticated and realistic designs. My personal choice was 'Dreamgirls,' it brought back so many childhood memories. Not that anyone I knew dressed like that, but I did see them from the limousine window.

I am sorry, but I like Anne Hathaway's dress. I realize that I am in a distinct minority.



Chris Noth smells wonderful...it's quite distracting... (leave that part out, you idiot!)

Every time Ellen Degeneres comes on, she's got one another ugly outfit (she needs Melissa Etheridge's stylist, if not Melissa's make-up person, who made her look like a plastic punk rocker), and somehow seems to leave a hole in the screen. Yes, she's being all shucks-folks-I'm-just-happy-to-be-here. But that is how Rosie O'Donnell used to behave at the Tony Awards, and look how that turned out!

Thank goodness for Jerry Seinfeld...he's funnier in eight minutes than poor Ellen has been all evening. Part of it is that he could not care less. He doesn't need the money or the exposure--wait, I think we have our perfect next Oscar host! Just please, please don't bring back Whoopi Goldberg, or I might have to get a restraining order against the Academy.

Oh, it's time for the "Dreamgirls" song montage! And doesn't Jennifer Hudson look PERFECTLY MAGNIFICENT in that sparkling red dress? You go, girlfriend, as the young people say! Beyonce' has abandoned that mint green monstrosity for some sort of flowing thing, but unfortunately she still has the stage presence of an apple. She can howl like she was on "American Idol" as much as she wants to, but it doesn't make her any less of a Mocha Diva Barbie. Ah, and there's that third girl they made look so goofy in the movie...she obviously laid down the law to the costumer, because she is working some serious bling in that dress. But it's Jennifer all the way. She and Queen Latifah...women with actual BREASTS on the Oscars...oh, and of course Helen Mirren.



Excuse me...Chris wants to have a word in my shell-pink ear...

Oscar Night, continued...

(Note: this is being transcribed by me, Miss DeCarlo's personal assistant, from the notes she's sending me, so please forgive any discontinuity. Please, or she'll be so mad, and I need this job.)

Dahlings -

I have arrived at the Spotted Pig for the New York magazine party, and there is not much doing. There's Mark Green in the corner, chatting up the ever-hilarious Andy Borowitz. This is a very dressed-down crowd. Hmmph. Off to find the television monitor and a cocktail...I can make my own fun.

Oh, my darling friend Andre Leon Talley is on! But WHAT is that thing he has got Jennifer Hudson wearing? That--that reptilian jacket thing! The dress is a lovely draped Oscar de la Renta brown dress on a lovely brown woman, but off with that jacket! Andre, dahling, what were you THINKING? We have to have a serious chat before you come to "Haute Cou-Poor" to give your lecture on "How Much Is Too Much: The Aesthetics of Bling."

Finally, the show is beginning...I was in fear that Mark Green would want to talk to me about the environment.

What is that Ellen DeGeneres is wearing? My guess she still wishes Johnny Carson were hosting the show, because she is wearing one of his old outfits, right down to the white shoes.



Oh, dear, she is dull. Get off, dear.

What was that musical interlude about? A gospel choir marches offstage and nothing happens? Conan, where are you when we need you?

Oh good Lord, there's Nicole in that hideous red Balenciaga thing, even worse from a distance. She simply cannot move her face! This is beyond Botox, dahlings, a surgeon must have cut a nerve. I need another cocktail. Perhaps a mojito this time.

JACK NICHOLSON -- the man has shaved his head! It looks like a huge pale basketball! It's as big as Ted Kennedy's, without the hair! I can't help but think of Daddy Warbucks. Jack, Jack, has your famous cool finally deserted you?

PILOBULOUS? Weren't they something you inflicted on your children back in the 1960s in the name of arts and education? Wonderful. Shadow puppets. Something tells me Ellen thought of them. Happy childhood memories and all that. Cheery people annoy me. At least the rest of the crowd in the restaurant is hooting derisively as well.

I need to be with other fabulous people. Back to the limousine...

It's Oscar Night, Dear God In Heaven...

(Note...this is being transcribed by me, Elisa's assistant, from notes she is messaging over, so please forgive any discontinuity. She is going to a variety of parties in Manhattan tonight, but I have to stay here and work...I hate my life...)

DAHLINGS -

I am on my way to the first of MANY fabulous parties in Manhattan, and my limo has a computer in the back, so I have it turned to the TV Guide channel for the moment...

My GOD, what has happened to Joan Rivers? She looks like the Bride of Wildenstein! Please, somebody chloroform the woman! Didn't she once have a face? And that fur shrug...what sort of rasberry polyester animal was killed for that? Must change channel...must...

Ah, Ryan Seacrest, the hardest working drone in show business. There's Cameron Diaz, in a dress made entirely of paper dinner napkins. From the neck up, she looks like Burt Lancaster playing an Native American in an old Western...those light eyes and that strange tan and that hair...poor dear can never get it right...



ACCCCK!!! PATRICIA FIELD!!!! NOOOOOO!

This CANNOT be the woman who designed those glorious costumes for "The Devil Wears Prada"! Not this ancient Rita Hayworth wanna-be with dyed purple red hair, too-tight strapless red spangled dress, and those baggy old arms and neck! I am all for aging gracefully, but two words...matching wrap! Also, do not stand next to two stunning young actresses when being interviewed. She should have made sure to stand next to Forrest Whittaker. I love Emily Blunt's sparkling blue strapless gown. Young women today have no idea how to wear strapless gowns, or for that matter, how they should be fitted. The usual trend is for the dress to cut straight across the top, too tightly, so that what little flesh they have above the breasts bulges out when they walk. What would Rita have said?

No one notices Sascha Baron Cohen's fiancee, but let me inform you that she is wearing a green satin dress that way a strapless dress is MEANT to be worn! Heart-shaped front, lots of decolletage, and firm upper support. Now I know why I loved "Borat."



Oh my GOD...Nicole, what are you THINKING? I've always thought redheads look good in red, but that pale coloring, black mascara, blonde straightened hair, do not work with that hideous dress. She looks like a tube of red lipstick with a goiter!

George Clooney...sigh...need one say more? He makes me want to fly out to Los Angeles this minute and smother him in my properly fitted bosom. I am wearing that spectacular Oscar de la Renta you saw in my earlier blog, my mahogany mink and high-heeled matching fabric pumps, the same as the dress. Because of the unfortunate size of my feet (the only thing about myself I regret) they had to be custom made, but what's money, if not to be spent?

Penelope Cruz may have a face like a foot, but her Atelier Versace blush pink gown is simply smashing. Now, if only they could transplant her head... I'm firmly in the minority on this one, but I like Kelly Preston's leopard print gown. As least someone isn't killing themselves to look piss-elegant, as the saying goes. Pardon my language. Besides, she's married to that human cream bun John Travolta, so she should get her kicks where she can.

I'm at my first stop...to be continued...

(tape clicks off)