The Oscars Drone On...Does Anyone Still Think Heath Ledger Won't Win?

DAHLINGS -

While I was upbraiding the chef, Jerry Lewis received the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award and according to one of my guests, "nearly lost it." Now they are doing the Dead People part. How that accursed chef could think I wouldn't spot pigs in blankets is beyond me...

To nobody's surprise, Heath Ledger won Best Supporting Actor. Yawn. Yes, I know he's dead, but that movie was simply too unnerving, and I thought that Dennis Hopper was just as good in "Speed". But then, I am quite used to being in the minority.

Also to nobody's surprise, "Slumdog Millionaire" is sweeping the other awards, all of those funny ones that I don't pay attention to. Most of my guests (and my male companion) are extremely drunk and hoping that Mickey Rourke wins Best Actor. I feel so terrible that he lost his beloved dog! (I think that explains his choice of wardrobe--out of his mind with grief.)


Only a true animal lover can understand his pain, right, Bucky? And no, you can't have a chocolate cupcake, I can't have you making sick on the Aubusson.

Oh my God, what IS Reese Witherspoon wearing? And that eye makeup? Is she playing the cobalt version of Vampira? Oh, dear, someone gave their stylist the night off!



With that nightmarish vision in my head, I bid you all good night.

Oh, wait--how beautiful Kate Winslet looks crying onstage! Of course, she looks beautiful doing anything.

Mon Dieu!

Sean Penn won for "Milk"! Hooray! I am sorry for Mickey Rourke, but what a magnificent speech Sean gave. The perfect antidote to Reese Witherspoon.

I am going off to bed. Tomorrow I will give you my Best and Worst Dressed.


Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The Oscars: Heidi Klum's Construction Paper Dress

DAHLINGS -

I'm having a very small gathering at my Central Park West aerie. Having the Oscars come on the heels of Fashion Week means that those of us who cover fashion are tending towards complete exhaustion. Much easier to have the cook make a spread of finger food and hire some bartenders than go out!

We are having a most enjoyable drinking game: having a drink every time an actress appears wearing a one-shoulder gown. But, if I had kept on after Marisa Tomei (in Versace), Nancy O'Dell and Heidi Klum, I would not be able to dictate this blog-thing.




Heidi is wearing what appears to be folded construction paper, by Roland Mouret.

(My assistant is still unreachable, the little idiot, so I had to force the chambermaid to do it. What is WRONG with the working class these days? Isn't it enough that they have JOBS? But I'm wandering off topic...must be the Moet Chandon combined with the bare shoulders.)

Tim Gunn kicked off the evening (network-wise) on the red carpet, gushing over Kate Winslet and her beautiful YSL shoes and gown. Everything about Kate is superlative, and my guests agree. Oh, dear, one shoulder, time for another glass of champagne!



For once Amy Adams is wearing color! A striking Carolina Herrera gown. However, referring to her necklace, my male companion just remarked, "I don't know if I like it or I want to eat it." (I think he meant that it looked like hard candy.)

Queen Latifah looked magnificent in Georges Shakra, with Swarovski crystal trim.

Oh, it's one shoulder, I must resist or I will never get through tonight...

Sarah Jessica Parker arrived with her rather queasy-looking husband, Matthew Broderick, wearing what appeared to be brand-new breasts and a rather beat-up old vintage prom dress with a large crinoline:


She claims it is Dior Haute Couture, but I refuse to believe it.

Hugh Jackman's "low-budget" opening number was hilarious, and he is one yummy hunk of man (no, you little fool, don't put that in! My male companion doesn't like it!).

A new protocol is being introduced with Best Supporting Actress: a past winner came out for each nominee, including Goldie Hawn (who has apparently visited the same surgeon who gave Marisa Tomei and Sarah Jessica Parker their new breasts). Be grateful you cannot see this in close-up. The contrast between the brand new bosom and the neck and chin above it is jarring, to say the least. Perhaps Goldie should grow a beard. And why couldn't she spend a little time getting a dress that fit?

Tilda Swinton is wearing a brown paper bag over a knotted front black skirt. Ack. Penelope Cruz (in vintage Balmain) is the winner; I still maintain the woman has a face like a foot. Whoopi Goldberg is wearing a leopard-print shower curtain. One supposes she was in a rush.

OH MY GOD--THE CHEF TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER TO TRY TO SNEAK SOME COSTCO PUFF PASTRIES ONTO THE BUFFET! Je dois prendre soin de ce à la fois!

Policing The Oscar Fashion Police...

DAHLINGS –

Yesterday, while taking a well-deserved rest between performances of my show, I watched “Oscar Fashion Police” on some basic cable channel…I believe it was E!.

All I can say is, mon dieu! Who ARE these people? A parade of stumpy little men with strange haircuts, some woman named Debbie Matenopoulous, and the fabulous Kimora. They were calling the stars’ clothes “disgusting”, “a disgrace,” “ridiculous.”

Now, as you all know, I am all for freedom of speech, particularly when it comes to slagging celebrities. But this is simply too much, particularly coming from the stumpy little men. Debbie Maten-what’s-her-name was wearing a blinding pink parody of a bridesmaid’s dress, with an enormous bow that dwarfed her tiny little face and badly dyed hair. Kimora looked considerably more glamorous than she did at the Academy Awards, thank goodness.

During the Oscars, Kimora bore an unnerving resemblance to Imelda Marcos. I have been unable to find a picture; perhaps it has been suppressed.

Not that I didn’t agree with some of their choices. Although Johnny Depp didn’t look that bad. (His wife was another story.) But to be so brutal…no wonder celebrities look so dull on the red carpet. The tiniest misstep is called “ghastly”. One little man had bleached white hair standing straight up—who on earth is he to call anyone on the (red) carpet for fashion missteps?

Your faithful correspondent needed to get that off her creamy chest. I have a performance tonight, so I must go lie down. Bucky has been sulking because he is not allowed to play himself onstage. However, it is a non-Equity production, and he’s a member, so he would have had to play under a false name. And it’s hard enough to make him obey under his own.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The Carpet Runs Red At The Oscars...

DAHLINGS,

It’s Oscar night, and no Vanity Fair party! Not only that, your faithful correspondent is simply wrung out from the stress of working on my soon-to-be-opening extravaganza, “Diary of A Mad Fashionista,” which opens this Wednesday.

No matter. It is my duty to report on the good, bad and the ugly on the red carpet, and then to bed. Perhaps not the exhaustive reportage my readers have come to expect from yours truly, but the mere fact that I am dictating this is a feat in itself. The blog comes first!

First, I have to say, that beautiful Jennifer Hudson should have let my dear friend Andre Leon Talley dress her this year. And for me to say THAT is significant. She is in an dazzlingly unflattering Grecian white dress with an Empire waist (why do busty women think they will look better in Empire waists?), and a shapeless bust. I do hope that dear Jennifer is not channeling Aretha Franklin nowadays!



Second, on the other end of the weight scale, Calista Flockhart was also in a Grecian draped dress (did Rami from “Project Runway” dress the invitees?) in a sickly shade of blue green, the better to look truly anorexic. Her better two-thirds, Harrison Ford, has taken to wearing a gray page boy, perhaps in homage to the Best Supporting Actor, Javier Bardem.

Another trend on the red carpet was “bed-head.” Cameron Diaz wore a scruffy ponytail (it matched the wrinkles in her gown), and Colin Farrell’s hair hung down in an uncombed mess.

Helen Mirren looked…very good. This appearance was a tad disappointing from an actress who always looks spectacular.



(Personally, I think it was the lace sleeves on her red gown. It looked like she’d thrown on an old English cardigan, even if they are crystals.)

Meanwhile, Kristin Chenoweth must have had not time to shop and ran straight to the nearest Frederick's of Hollywood.



More later…I simply must hie me to bed.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

The Oscars On (And Off) Ebay!

DAHLINGS -

Sorry to have been away, but Chris Noth...well, let's merely say he's remarkably energetic and leave it at that. Poor Bucky had to be locked out of the bedroom for two days, but Chris felt it would be altogether too bizarre to be stared at by a dog. No matter how small.

In any event, I'm back. Rather tired and a bit cramped, but back.

So many CRIMES AGAINST FASHION were committed during the Academy Awards (Jack Nicholson's head alone will wake me screaming in the night for months to come), that I felt compelled to display some, er, alternatives from my fellow sellers on and off Ebay. Most of them are on Ebay, poor things. My heart goes out to them. But they are all wonderful, honest sellers and you should buy their clothes.

NOW.

There was a great deal of discussion about how ANYTHING would have looked better on Nicole Kidman than that hideous Balenciaga goiter dress. Funkoma Vintage had this dress, saying even THIS would look better:



Funkoma Vintage

I quite agree--just about anything would, and these sort of little 80s things are ever so fashionable now. If, like me, you liked Kelly Preston's leopard dress, here is a vintage latticed-back take on it, sold by the lovely USMCMars. It is a size Large, with a 39 inch bust:



Vintage Clothing From USMCMars


Of course, one has to wear gold sequins on Oscar night to look paparazzi-perfect! Underwood Estates has this size 4 open-back bombshell in her store, Views of Vintage:



Underwood Estates Views of Vintage


If one is going to wear a dress like that, accessories are KEY, and this beautiful vintage bag from Marie92001 is just the ticket. It's a vintage Ingber purse, even trimmed with rhinestones for that extra touch of sparkle:


http://cgi.ebay.com/Vintage-50s-60s-GOLD-Rhinestone-INGBER-Purse_W0QQitemZ270094130578QQihZ017QQcategoryZ74966QQtcZphotoQQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Speaking of gold, this would look simply stunning on Halle Berry, wouldn't it? This is for sale at www.borntoolatevintage.com:



And as every woman knows, you can't go wrong with a black dress...unless you're Meryl Streep at the actual Oscars (shudder). This exquisite 1930s lace dress is for sale at www.figure8studio.com :



These vintage 50s shoes, being sold by Ebay seller WVATumbleweed, would be excellent with a black sheath, and even though they are vintage, they are a size NINE! And made of black mesh and fabric with kitten heels:



http://cgi.ebay.com/Sassy-Spring-vintage-Blk-mesh-50s-kitten-heels-shoes-9_W0QQitemZ300085121228QQihZ020QQcategoryZ74980QQtcZphotoQQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

For those who like simplicity with style (and who doesn't?) Ebay seller freshbloominclothing has this black sequined stunner, in a marvelous size 18, quite in the spirit of Jennifer Hudson (sans strange reptile jacket):



Fresh Bloomin Clothing


And speaking of style, it is hard to top this incredible silk Ceil Chapman dress, offered on Ebay by Dorotheascloset. It has an amazing draped bustline, with swags that go below the hemline in the front, and is a size Medium to Large. This would have looked so much prettier on Jessica Biel than that awful neon thing she wore:



Dorotheas Closet

Couldn't you just ROLL in that purple? (I know Bucky would like to.) There were many strapless dresses at the Academy Awards, including Patricia Fields (gack). However, for those that did not care for Jennifer's Hudson's brown dress, here is a Mike Benet vintage chiffon masterpiece, up for auction by flashbak58, with a 40 inch bust:


Flashback 58 Bombshell Frocks

Another dazzling confection is this grand 60s vintage ballgown, being sold by my dear friend and mentor, andapanda-rlf (yes, I know it's a strange name, but it has some inner meaning). It is in heavy satin, with a deep V-back topped with a bow and a bustle. Perfect for the Red Carpet!




andapanda's Vintage Clothing

Most fashion shows finish with a bridal gown, but this is MY fashion show, dahlings. So instead, to finish with a flourish, this is a simply stunning Emma Domb column gown. From the front it is a simple wool crepe Audrey Hepburn-style dress (although with a 38 inch bust poor Audrey would have drowned in it--but at least the high front neckline would have concealed her collarbones!). But in the back are two long columns, sewn on the outside so that they sail outward when you walk! Another Red Carpet moment! For sale by my dear, dear friend Maureen at www.vintagegrace.com:




I'll be back with more of my own pretties in a day or two. In the meantime, I'm going to tell my assistant that if Chris calls, I'm busy. A girl needs her beauty sleep, after all.

Ciao,
Elisa & Bucky the Wonderdog

Oscar Night, continued...

(Note: this is being transcribed by me, Miss DeCarlo's personal assistant, from the notes she's sending me, so please forgive any discontinuity. Please, or she'll be so mad, and I need this job.)

Dahlings -

I have arrived at the Spotted Pig for the New York magazine party, and there is not much doing. There's Mark Green in the corner, chatting up the ever-hilarious Andy Borowitz. This is a very dressed-down crowd. Hmmph. Off to find the television monitor and a cocktail...I can make my own fun.

Oh, my darling friend Andre Leon Talley is on! But WHAT is that thing he has got Jennifer Hudson wearing? That--that reptilian jacket thing! The dress is a lovely draped Oscar de la Renta brown dress on a lovely brown woman, but off with that jacket! Andre, dahling, what were you THINKING? We have to have a serious chat before you come to "Haute Cou-Poor" to give your lecture on "How Much Is Too Much: The Aesthetics of Bling."

Finally, the show is beginning...I was in fear that Mark Green would want to talk to me about the environment.

What is that Ellen DeGeneres is wearing? My guess she still wishes Johnny Carson were hosting the show, because she is wearing one of his old outfits, right down to the white shoes.



Oh, dear, she is dull. Get off, dear.

What was that musical interlude about? A gospel choir marches offstage and nothing happens? Conan, where are you when we need you?

Oh good Lord, there's Nicole in that hideous red Balenciaga thing, even worse from a distance. She simply cannot move her face! This is beyond Botox, dahlings, a surgeon must have cut a nerve. I need another cocktail. Perhaps a mojito this time.

JACK NICHOLSON -- the man has shaved his head! It looks like a huge pale basketball! It's as big as Ted Kennedy's, without the hair! I can't help but think of Daddy Warbucks. Jack, Jack, has your famous cool finally deserted you?

PILOBULOUS? Weren't they something you inflicted on your children back in the 1960s in the name of arts and education? Wonderful. Shadow puppets. Something tells me Ellen thought of them. Happy childhood memories and all that. Cheery people annoy me. At least the rest of the crowd in the restaurant is hooting derisively as well.

I need to be with other fabulous people. Back to the limousine...

It's Oscar Night, Dear God In Heaven...

(Note...this is being transcribed by me, Elisa's assistant, from notes she is messaging over, so please forgive any discontinuity. She is going to a variety of parties in Manhattan tonight, but I have to stay here and work...I hate my life...)

DAHLINGS -

I am on my way to the first of MANY fabulous parties in Manhattan, and my limo has a computer in the back, so I have it turned to the TV Guide channel for the moment...

My GOD, what has happened to Joan Rivers? She looks like the Bride of Wildenstein! Please, somebody chloroform the woman! Didn't she once have a face? And that fur shrug...what sort of rasberry polyester animal was killed for that? Must change channel...must...

Ah, Ryan Seacrest, the hardest working drone in show business. There's Cameron Diaz, in a dress made entirely of paper dinner napkins. From the neck up, she looks like Burt Lancaster playing an Native American in an old Western...those light eyes and that strange tan and that hair...poor dear can never get it right...



ACCCCK!!! PATRICIA FIELD!!!! NOOOOOO!

This CANNOT be the woman who designed those glorious costumes for "The Devil Wears Prada"! Not this ancient Rita Hayworth wanna-be with dyed purple red hair, too-tight strapless red spangled dress, and those baggy old arms and neck! I am all for aging gracefully, but two words...matching wrap! Also, do not stand next to two stunning young actresses when being interviewed. She should have made sure to stand next to Forrest Whittaker. I love Emily Blunt's sparkling blue strapless gown. Young women today have no idea how to wear strapless gowns, or for that matter, how they should be fitted. The usual trend is for the dress to cut straight across the top, too tightly, so that what little flesh they have above the breasts bulges out when they walk. What would Rita have said?

No one notices Sascha Baron Cohen's fiancee, but let me inform you that she is wearing a green satin dress that way a strapless dress is MEANT to be worn! Heart-shaped front, lots of decolletage, and firm upper support. Now I know why I loved "Borat."



Oh my GOD...Nicole, what are you THINKING? I've always thought redheads look good in red, but that pale coloring, black mascara, blonde straightened hair, do not work with that hideous dress. She looks like a tube of red lipstick with a goiter!

George Clooney...sigh...need one say more? He makes me want to fly out to Los Angeles this minute and smother him in my properly fitted bosom. I am wearing that spectacular Oscar de la Renta you saw in my earlier blog, my mahogany mink and high-heeled matching fabric pumps, the same as the dress. Because of the unfortunate size of my feet (the only thing about myself I regret) they had to be custom made, but what's money, if not to be spent?

Penelope Cruz may have a face like a foot, but her Atelier Versace blush pink gown is simply smashing. Now, if only they could transplant her head... I'm firmly in the minority on this one, but I like Kelly Preston's leopard print gown. As least someone isn't killing themselves to look piss-elegant, as the saying goes. Pardon my language. Besides, she's married to that human cream bun John Travolta, so she should get her kicks where she can.

I'm at my first stop...to be continued...

(tape clicks off)